Round 1

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  1. What If People Bought Cars Like They Bought Computers
  2. 12 Ways to leave your floppy...
  3. Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
  5. A panda walks into a bar...
  8. Why dogs are better than women
  9. Life Quirks
  10. Very Short Books
  12. There once was this blonde woman who was fed up with all the blonde jokes...
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1)What If People Bought Cars Like They Bought Computers

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did.

HELP-LINE: "General Motors Help-line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELP-LINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELP-LINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELP-LINE: "General Motors Help-line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!”
HELP-LINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELP-LINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELP-LINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HELP-LINE: "General Motors Help-line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!"
HELP-LINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELP-LINE: "What were you doing?”
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed and now it won't start!"
HELP-LINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!"

HELP-LINE: "General Motors Help-line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELP-LINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELP-LINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELP-LINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

2) 12 Ways to leave your floppy...

Well SPAMmers, it has been a week rich in SPAM! Unfortunately due to an unforeseen family loss I has been too tired to catalog and write about any of it. So for one more week we are going to turn to a reader's submission.

Remember the old Paul Simon song "50 Ways to leave your lover"? Well, it sorta' applies to the computer world in a weird, twisted kind of way.

I used to work at Dell Computer. One of the training guys there has cataloged 12 ways of inserting a floppy disk (one of which is right).

1-4: Four different sides, right side up.

5-8: Four different sides, upside down.

9: The woman who called in and said she couldn't put her 3.5" floppy in the drive. She couldn't fit another one in. You see, the installation instructions told her to insert disk 1, insert disk 2, insert disk 3... but they never told her to take any of them OUT.

10: The fellow who complained that our floppies didn't fit. He had to fold that 5.25" to fit it in the 3.5" slot.

11: The fellow who complained about the 5.25" floppy cases we sent him -- it was hard to get the disk out of the case!

12: The fellow who complained about the 3.5" floppy cases. It was even harder to get THOSE out of the case.

3) Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.


Men, want to know where you stand in the rough-and-tumble, give-and-take world of relationships? Here's your scorecard from the Men's Journal of Health.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects -- sorry, that's the way the game is played.


When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression... 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV... +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep... -10

Simple Duties

The Big Question

Social Engagements

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

Saturday Afternoon

Her Birthday


A Night Out With The Boys

Her Night Out

A Night At Home

A Night Out


Your Physique




5) A panda walks into a bar

sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, then pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts "Hey! Where are you going? You shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following: PANDA n. Tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinctive black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

(Clyde's note: I like the joke, but a panda is not a marsupial.)



Nickname: ___________________________

CB Handle: __________________________

Address: (RFD)_____________________________________________________

Daddy (If unknown list three suspects)___________________________________________________________

Neck Shade: [ ] Light Red [ ] Medium Red [ ] Dark Red [ ] Other _____________

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: _______ Upper: _______ Lower: _______

Make of Pickup: __________________________ Size of Tire: ______________

Hounds: _______ Type: [ ] Blue Tick [ ] Beagle [ ] Black/Tan [ ] Other _________

Length of Right Leg: ___________ Length of Left Leg: __________________

How many cars/makes in front yard: ____________ On blocks: ___________

How many kitchen appliances on front porch: __________ Back porch: ________

When and where was your last Elvis sighting: ___________________________

Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags: [ ] Yes [ ] No

Do you own any shoes (not boots): [ ] Yes [ ] No

Are you married to any of the following:

[ ] Sister [ ] Cousin [ ] Cousin's Sister [ ] Aunt [ ] Other (explain)______________

Does your wife weigh more than your truck? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Can you always sign your name and spell it right? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Have you ever had more than one bath in a week: [ ] Yes [ ] No

Explain: ____________________________________________________

MEDICAL INFORMATION Do you have at least two (2) of the following: [ ] B.O. [ ] Crabs [ ]Lice [ ] Bad breath [ ] Scabs [ ] Fleas [ ] Tattoos [ ] Crossed Eyes [ ] Runny Nose [ ] Green Teeth [ ] Brown Teeth [ ] Yellow Teeth [ ] Any teeth Explain: ____________________________________________

GENERAL INFORMATION Can you count past ten with your shoes on: [ ] Yes [ ] No

Con you count past 21 with your fly up: [ ] Yes [ ] No

Favorite Weapon: [ ] Tire Iron [ ] Log Chain [ ] Shotgun [ ]

Pick Favorite Past Time: [ ] Drinkin’ [ ] Coon huntin’ [ ] Fishin’ [ ] Other: __________

Trucks equipped with: [ ] Gun Rack [ ] Fuzzbuster [ ] 8-Track [ ] Rebel Flag [ ] Roll Bar [ ] CB Radio [ ] Beer Cans [ ] Squirrel Tail

Your signature (an X will do):_______________________________________


  1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
  2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
  3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear).
  4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
  5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
  6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
  7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
  8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.
  9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
  10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
  11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
  12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
  13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
  14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the open here spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.
  15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
  16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
  17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
  18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
  19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
  20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

8) Why dogs are better than women

How Dogs and Women are alike

How Women are better than Dogs

9) Subject: Life Quirks

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" Jay Leno

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons

I dated this girl for two years and then the nagging started: "I wanna know your name. Mike Binder

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Stephen Leacock

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Pearl Williams

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. The next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. Billiam Coronel

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson

10) Very Short Books

  1. A Guide to Arab Democracies
  2. A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
  3. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
  4. Career Opportunities for History Majors
  5. Contraception by Pope John Paul II
  6. Detroit - A Travel Guide
  7. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
  8. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
  9. Easy UNIX
  10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
  11. Everything Men Know About Women
  12. French Hospitality
  13. Bob Dole: The Wild Years
  14. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
  15. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
  16. Mormon Divorce Lawyers
  17. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
  18. Popular Lawyers
  19. Staple Your Way to Success
  20. Tasty Bile Recipes
  21. The Amish Phone Book


SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

12) There once was this blonde woman who was fed up with all the blonde jokes

she had to endure. So one day she cut her hair and dyed it dark. There. Finally she wouldn't have to put up with blonde jokes anymore.

To celebrate, she decided to take a drive in the country. As she was going along, she came across a sheep farmer with his flock. She stopped and began talking to him.

"If I can guess the number of sheep in your flock, can I have one?" she asked.

The farmer, being a gentleman, said yes. Besides he didn't think she could get it.

Out of nowhere, she says "352".

The farmer was shocked that she hit it right on. But he kept his word and told her that she could take any sheep that she wanted.

The blonde mulled over the flock, and finally settled on one that seemed to pay her more attention and appeared to be faster and more playful than the rest. She picked it up and headed for her car.

"Uh, excuse me Miss" the farmer said. "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

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