- What If People Bought Cars Like They Bought
- 12 Ways to leave your floppy...
- Vice Presidents and personnel directors
of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most
unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
- HOW TO SCORE POINTS WITH A WOMAN
- A panda walks into a bar...
- APPLICATION TO LIVE IN ARKANSAS
- TWENTY WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST
- Why dogs are better than women
- Life Quirks
- Very Short Books
- DRINKER'S FAULT-FINDING GUIDE
- There once was this blonde woman who was
fed up with all the blonde jokes...
1)What If People Bought Cars Like They Bought Computers
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't
know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers
-- but imagine if they did.
HELP-LINE: "General Motors Help-line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELP-LINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELP-LINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know
all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELP-LINE: "General Motors Help-line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!”
HELP-LINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELP-LINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle,
and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELP-LINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor
to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that
I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything
HELP-LINE: "General Motors Help-line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!"
HELP-LINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELP-LINE: "What were you doing?”
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal
all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed and
now it won't start!"
HELP-LINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What
do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't
HELP-LINE: "General Motors Help-line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because
it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes,
and power door locks."
HELP-LINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELP-LINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELP-LINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in
2) 12 Ways to leave your floppy...
Well SPAMmers, it has been a week rich in SPAM! Unfortunately due to
an unforeseen family loss I has been too tired to catalog and write about
any of it. So for one more week we are going to turn to a reader's submission.
Remember the old Paul Simon song "50 Ways to leave your lover"?
Well, it sorta' applies to the computer world in a weird, twisted kind
I used to work at Dell Computer. One of the training guys there has
cataloged 12 ways of inserting a floppy disk (one of which is right).
1-4: Four different sides, right side up.
5-8: Four different sides, upside down.
9: The woman who called in and said she couldn't put her 3.5" floppy
in the drive. She couldn't fit another one in. You see, the installation
instructions told her to insert disk 1, insert disk 2, insert disk 3...
but they never told her to take any of them OUT.
10: The fellow who complained that our floppies didn't fit. He had to
fold that 5.25" to fit it in the 3.5" slot.
11: The fellow who complained about the 5.25" floppy cases we sent
him -- it was hard to get the disk out of the case!
12: The fellow who complained about the 3.5" floppy cases. It was
even harder to get THOSE out of the case.
3) Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the
one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual
experience interviewing prospective employees.
- A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
- Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the
interviewer and the music at the same time.
- Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
- Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger
and French fries in the interviewer’s office.
- Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
- Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped
and kept in a closet in Mexico.
- Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few
minutes later wearing a headpiece.
- Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by
having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
- Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on
how to answer specific interview questions.
- Candidate brought large dog to interview.
- Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing
- Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual"
questions that have been asked by job candidates.
- "What is it that you people do at this company?"
- "What is the company motto?"
- "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
- "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
- "Why do you want references?"
- "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
- "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
- "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
- "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
- "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
- "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
- "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
- "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
- "Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates
during the interview process.
- I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
- At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
- I feel uneasy indoors.
- Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
- Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
- I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
- I get excited very easily.
- Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
- I am fascinated by fire.
- I like tall women.
- Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
- People are always watching me.
- If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
- Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
- I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
- I never get hungry.
- I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
- If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
- I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on
- My legs are really hairy.
- I think I'm going to throw-up.
4) Subject: HOW TO SCORE POINTS WITH A WOMAN
Men, want to know where you stand in the rough-and-tumble, give-and-take
world of relationships? Here's your scorecard from the Men's Journal of
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes
& points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something
she expects -- sorry, that's the way the game is played.
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression... 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV... +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep... -10
- You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car... +1
- You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to
the nearest gas station... -1
- You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb... +1
- You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away...
- You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish... +1
- You leave them under the bed... -5
- You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings...
- But return with beer... -5
- You leave the toilet seat up... -1
- You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty... 0
- When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1
- When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...
- You make the bed... +1
- You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows... 0
- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets... -1
- You check out a suspicious noise a night... 0
- You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing... 0
- You check out a suspicious noise and it's something... +5
- You pummel it with a six iron... +10
- It's her father... -10
The Big Question
- She asks, "Do I look fat?"... -5 (Sensitive questions always
start with a deficit)
- You hesitate in responding... -10
- You reply, "Where?"... -25
- You stay by her side the entire party... 0
- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy ...-2
- Named Tiffany... -4
- Tiffany is a dancer... -6
- Tiffany has implants... -8
- When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly...
- When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump ..-5
- When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you
think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive
as you"... +1
- When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive,
you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"... -6
- That woman is her sister... -90
- You have one drink, and that's it... 0
- You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle... -2
- You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted...-18
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
- You unclog a stopped-up toilet... +6
- You clean up cat, dog or human vomit... +7
- You get rid of a dead rodent... +8
- You remove the collie from the thresher...+12
- You take her mother to see Cats... +16
- You go to the mall together... +3
- You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car...
- You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports
- You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it...
- You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional...
- You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk... +3
- Most of it chips and beer... -6
- You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den... +15
- Or refinishing the floors... +16
- Or rewiring the basement... +17
- Or adding a second floor... +18
- Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket... -6
- And you're tickled pink about it... -15
- You visit her parents... +1
- You visit her parents and actually make conversation... +3
- You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television... -3
- And the television is off... -6
- You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear... -6
- And you didn't even go to that college... -10
- And it's not your underwear...-15
- You take her out to dinner... 0
- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar... +1
- Okay, it is a sport bar... -2
- And it's all-you-can-eat night... -3
- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team... -10
- You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player... +3
- You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and
- And you stink... +2
- And you're not half bad... +5
- You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to
much applause.. -2
- You give her a gift... 0
- You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance...-10
- You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance... +1
- You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate... +2
- You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months... +30
- You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day... -10
- With her credit card... -30
- And whatever you bought is two sizes too big... -40
- You forget her birthday completely... -10
- You forget your anniversary... -20
- You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-25
- Which is in Newark, New Jersey... -35
- And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-50
A Night Out With The Boys
- Go out with a pal... -5
- And the pal is happily married... -4
- Or frighteningly single... -7
- And he drives a Trans Am... -10
- With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)... -15
- You have a few beers... -9
- And miss curfew by an hour... -12
- You get home at 3 am... -20
- You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars... -30
- And not wearing any pants... -40
- Is that a tattoo???...-200
Her Night Out
- You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends...
- She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late...
- You wait up... +15
- She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...
- She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not
before she pukes in the bathroom...+25
- Which you clean up... +35
A Night At Home
- You watch TV together... 0
- You rent a movie... +1
- You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY... +3
- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout... +5
- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep... -1
- It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool... -2
A Night Out
- You take her to a movie... +2
- You take her to a movie she likes... +4
- You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)...
- You take her to a movie you like... -2
- It's called DeathCop 3... -7
- Which features cyborgs having sex... -9
- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs...
- You buy her flowers only when it's expected... 0
- You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... +5
- You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... +10
- And she contracts Lyme disease...-25
- You develop a noticeable potbelly... -15
- You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... +10
- You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
- You trim your nails... 0
- You trim your nails in the living room... -10
- You trim your nails and flick them at the cat... -15
- You shave on the weekends... +2
- You don't shave on the weekends... -4
- You don't bathe on the weekends either... -8
- But then, neither does she... +8
- You spend a lot of money on something impractical... -5
- Something she can't use... -10
- Such as a motorized model airplane... -20
- And your kid needs braces... -30
- In fact, all four of the kids need braces... -120
- You lose the directions on a trip... -4
- You lose the direction and end up getting lost... -10
- You end up getting lost in a bad part of town... -15
- You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
- She finds out you lied about having a black belt.... -60
5) A panda walks into a bar
sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, then pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts "Hey! Where
are you going? You shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following: PANDA n.
Tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinctive black
and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
(Clyde's note: I like the joke, but a panda is not a marsupial.)
6) APPLICATION TO LIVE IN ARKANSAS
CB Handle: __________________________
Daddy (If unknown list three suspects)___________________________________________________________
Neck Shade: [ ] Light Red [ ] Medium Red [ ] Dark Red [ ] Other _____________
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: _______ Upper: _______ Lower:
Make of Pickup: __________________________ Size of Tire: ______________
Hounds: _______ Type: [ ] Blue Tick [ ] Beagle [ ] Black/Tan [ ] Other
Length of Right Leg: ___________ Length of Left Leg: __________________
How many cars/makes in front yard: ____________ On blocks: ___________
How many kitchen appliances on front porch: __________ Back porch: ________
When and where was your last Elvis sighting: ___________________________
Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags: [ ] Yes [ ] No
Do you own any shoes (not boots): [ ] Yes [ ] No
Are you married to any of the following:
[ ] Sister [ ] Cousin [ ] Cousin's Sister [ ] Aunt [ ] Other (explain)______________
Does your wife weigh more than your truck? [ ] Yes [ ] No
Can you always sign your name and spell it right? [ ] Yes [ ] No
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week: [ ] Yes [ ] No
MEDICAL INFORMATION Do you have at least two (2) of the following: [
] B.O. [ ] Crabs [ ]Lice [ ] Bad breath [ ] Scabs [ ] Fleas [ ] Tattoos
[ ] Crossed Eyes [ ] Runny Nose [ ] Green Teeth [ ] Brown Teeth [ ] Yellow
Teeth [ ] Any teeth Explain: ____________________________________________
GENERAL INFORMATION Can you count past ten with your shoes on: [ ] Yes
[ ] No
Con you count past 21 with your fly up: [ ] Yes [ ] No
Favorite Weapon: [ ] Tire Iron [ ] Log Chain [ ] Shotgun [ ]
Pick Favorite Past Time: [ ] Drinkin’ [ ] Coon huntin’ [ ] Fishin’ [
] Other: __________
Trucks equipped with: [ ] Gun Rack [ ] Fuzzbuster [ ] 8-Track [ ] Rebel
Flag [ ] Roll Bar [ ] CB Radio [ ] Beer Cans [ ] Squirrel Tail
Your signature (an X will do):_______________________________________
7) TWENTY WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST
- ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold
a road map at the same time.
- AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
- AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking
fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from
(a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye
- BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture
and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
- BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking
up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the
phones are not connected.
- CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give
the vacuum one more chance.
- DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store
by asking, "Do you work here?"
- DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped
on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the
- ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen
in the rearview mirror.
- EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you
at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
- ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.
- ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the
more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
- FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
- LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the open
here spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal
- NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling
to come to life.
- PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
- PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress
in front of a household pet.
- PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
- PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.
- TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting
the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only
six inches away.
8) Why dogs are better than women
- dogs don't cry
- dogs love it when your friends come over
- dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
- dogs think you sing great
- a dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink
- dogs don't expect a call when you are running late and the later you
are the more excited dogs are to see you
- dogs forgive you for playing with other dogs
- dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog’s name
- dogs are excited by rough play
- dogs don't care if you give their offspring away
- dogs understand that farts are funny
- dogs appreciate excessive body hair
- ANYONE can get a good looking dog
- if a dog is gorgeous other dogs don't hate it
- dogs don't shop
- dogs like it when you leave lots of stuff on the floor
- a dog’s disposition stays the same all month
- dogs don't need to examine the relationship
- a dog’s parents never visit
- dogs love long car trips
- dogs understand that instincts are better than asking directions
- dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs are to be hunted
- when a dog gets old and starts to snap incessantly at you; you can
- dogs like beer
- dogs don't hate their bodies
- dogs don't care if your belly hangs over your belt
- dogs don't buy Kenny G. albums
- no dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood
- dogs don't criticize
- dogs agree that one must raise one's voice to get a point across
- dogs don't expect gifts
- its legal to keep a dog chained at your house
- dogs don't worry about germs
- dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've had
- dogs do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet, sock drawer,
- dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives
- dogs would rather have leftovers than lobster
- you never have to wait for a dog, they are always ready
- dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry
- dogs don't borrow shirts
- dogs never want foot rubs
- dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
- dogs find you amusing when you are drunk
- dogs can't talk
- dogs aren't catty
- a dog seldom outlives you
- when you and a dog separate the dog wants no money
How Dogs and Women are alike
- both look stupid in hats
- both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting
- both tend to have hip problems
- neither understands football
- both look good in a fur coat
- both are good at pretending that they are listening to every word you
- neither believe that silence is golden
- both constantly want back rubs
- neither can balance a check book
- you can never tell what either is thinking
- both put too much value on kissing
How Women are better than Dogs
- it is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman
- women look good in sweaters
- women leave the room to fart
9) Subject: Life Quirks
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I dated this girl for two years and then the nagging started: "I
wanna know your name. Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough
to get money from it. Stephen Leacock
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. Steve
Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the
hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair
under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough. Pearl Williams
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. The next morning
buy it back for seventy-five cents. Billiam Coronel
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson
10) Very Short Books
- A Guide to Arab Democracies
- A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
- Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
- Career Opportunities for History Majors
- Contraception by Pope John Paul II
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Women
- French Hospitality
- Bob Dole: The Wild Years
- How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
- Mormon Divorce Lawyers
- One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
- Popular Lawyers
- Staple Your Way to Success
- Tasty Bile Recipes
- The Amish Phone Book
11) DRINKER'S FAULT-FINDING GUIDE
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually
pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front
of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink
as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to
the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain
loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light
strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking
arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION REQUIRED: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION REQUIRED: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot
see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
treat yourself to a lie-in.
12) There once was this blonde woman who was fed up
with all the blonde jokes
she had to endure. So one day she cut her hair and dyed it dark. There.
Finally she wouldn't have to put up with blonde jokes anymore.
To celebrate, she decided to take a drive in the country. As she was
going along, she came across a sheep farmer with his flock. She stopped
and began talking to him.
"If I can guess the number of sheep in your flock, can I have one?"
The farmer, being a gentleman, said yes. Besides he didn't think she
could get it.
Out of nowhere, she says "352".
The farmer was shocked that she hit it right on. But he kept his word
and told her that she could take any sheep that she wanted.
The blonde mulled over the flock, and finally settled on one that seemed
to pay her more attention and appeared to be faster and more playful than
the rest. She picked it up and headed for her car.
"Uh, excuse me Miss" the farmer said. "If I can guess
your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"