Round 4

1. A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner...
2. If restaurants functioned like Microsoft:
3. Things you learn about computers from the movies:
4. Beer talk.
5. There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut...
6. 10 Ways You Know are dating/living with/married to a Consultant
7. Things that make you go HHMMMM
8. "and much, much more"
9. An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates...
10. Scientists Discover New Element
11. A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game...

Round 4

1) A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner...

A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner replied "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

Tired of the browbeating, the coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But for all I know he could be out there practicing law someplace."

2) If restaurants functioned like Microsoft:

If restaurants functioned like Microsoft:

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[Waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $ 2.50
Access to support $10.00

Editors Note:

Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)

3) Subject: Things you learn about computers from the movies:

Subject: Things you learn about computers from the movies:

1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing.
3. All monitors display 2-inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA and the CIA, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. You can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures increases in computers, just like they do in humans. Eventually, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected, so you can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever keys are pressed or the screen changes. They also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go any faster than the audience can read it. The really advanced ones emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. (see #7, above)
11. People typing away on a computer always turn it off without saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and there are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system put into it.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must be brilliant, since the buttons are never labeled.
20. No matter how small, computers have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability. (see #25 below)
21. Laptops always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
22. Whenever the person looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities.
24. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
25. The most powerful computer in the world is always a Macintosh.

4) Beer talk.

Beer talk.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart

People who drink "light beer" don't really like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. - Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W. C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. - David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman

"American Beer is a lot like making love in a row boat; it's fucking close to water" - Monty Python's Eric Idle

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. - Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

So, you don't like jail? Naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there. - Charles Bukowski

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Beer: If you can't taste it, why bother?

One more drink and I'd be under the host. - Dorothy Parker

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry's Bad Habits

Draft beer, not people.

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot: don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat. - David Geary

5) There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut...

There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires and when they get bored, come back down. Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower. Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced to his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower. The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.

Ed. note: Oooouch!

6) Subject: 10 Ways You Know are dating/living with/married to a Consultant

Subject: 10 Ways You Know are dating/living with/married to a Consultant

10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period."

9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.

8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is YOUR day."

7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.

6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom.

5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line".

4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.

3. Can't be trusted with the car--too accustomed to beating up rentals.

2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.

1. Refers to those "intimate moments" as "win-win" situations.

7) Subject: Things that make you go HHMMMM

* If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

* Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

* Is there another word for synonym?

* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

* When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

* When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

* Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

* Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

* Why do they report power outages on TV?

* What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

* Is it possible to be totally partial?

* What's another word for thesaurus?

* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

* Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

* If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

* If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

* When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

* Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

* If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

* Why is the word abbreviation so long?

* When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

8) Subj.: "and much, much more"

Another body found!!!

Apparently one of the less astute members of the Heaven's Gate cult was found under the kitchen sink, behind the Comet.

9) An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates...

Subject: JokeLine 4.21.97

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place. "So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

10) Scientists Discover New Element

The heaviest element known to science, was recently discovered by physicists at the Yale's Research Center. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice-neutrons and 11 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused a reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places.

Some studies have shown that the atomic weight usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicate that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities and hospitals and can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

They discovered two more new elements:

BILLCLINTUM - Bc - Undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water

GORIUM - Zz - Latest discovery in group of inert gases. Also known as Tedium

11) A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game...

Subject: Baseball JokeLine 4.22.97

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he has four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"