Round 9

1. Duracell Bunny Death Notice
2. Green Eggs and Hamlet
3. Horse and chicken
4. Man's rules for Women
5. The Plan
6. Waka waka bang splat

Round 9

1) Subject: Duracell Bunny Death Notice

Subject: Duracell Bunny Death Notice

I'm saddened to announce the passing of Duracell Bunny

AP February 5, 1997 - The Duracell Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42 am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner rules that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

Bunny leaves a wife and 6,255,412,879 children.

2) Subject: Green Eggs and Hamlet

Green Eggs and Hamlet

I ask to be or not to be.
That is the question I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
My uncle's boffing dear sweet mother.
Would I, could I take me life?
Could I, should I end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or throw myself before a train?
Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself of take some poison?
Maybe try self immolation?
To shuffle off this mortal coil,
I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
Slash my wrists while in the bath?
Would it end my angst and wrath?
To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
I could drop a toaster in my tub.
Would all be glad if I were dead?
Could I perhaps kill them instead?
This line of thought takes consideration-
For I'm the king of procrastination.

3) Subject: Horse and chicken

A fairy tale about the Horse and the Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.

So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thing' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

4) Subject: Man's rules for Women

In response to the popular "Women's 50 Rules for Men",

"Men's Rules for Women"

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

5) Subject: The Plan

THE PLAN

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another," It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors then went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful"

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became policy.

This is how SHIT happens.

6) Subject: Waka waka bang splat

Poetry Geek Style:

A poll conducted among INFOCUS magazine readers had established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters <, though some readers held out resolutely for "norkies."

The following poem appeared recently in INFOCUS magazine. The original authors were Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College & seminary of Grand Rapids, MI.

The text of the poem follows:

<> !*''#
^"`$$-
!*=@$_
%*<> ~#4
&[]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.