Round 14

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  1. Actual signs
  2. Things one learns from children (honest and no kidding)
  3. the truth about Roswell
  4. Lava lamp news
  5. Other Boycotts of the Southern Baptists
  6. Some great Homer Simpson quotes
  7. campus pranks
  8. puns puns puns - I'm sorry, very, very, very sorry
  9. If Microsoft Built Cars
  10. HK Hangover
  11. Signs that you are too drunk
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Round 14

1) Subject: Actual signs

At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."

In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

2) Things one learns from children (honest and no kidding)

There is no such thing as childproofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw a baseball up when the ceiling fan is on.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh oh, it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive system of a 4-year old.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super Glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in the gas tank make a lot of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats can throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

3) Subject: the truth about Roswell

ROSWELL, NM (AP) -- Today, the United States Air Force issued a long-awaited report about the "Roswell Incident" in which some people claim that software from Microsoft functioned correctly in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. As expected, the government's 261-page report denied that there had ever been any evidence that this had ever happened, despite eyewitness reports to the contrary. The report claims that what witnesses actually saw was an experimental Macintosh running a variation of UNIX, or perhaps an experimental UNIX machine using a form of the MacOS.

Although the official Air Force position is that this is their final report on the matter, long-time Microsoft devotees are not satisfied. "We know it really happened," said Gil Bates, spokesman for a group of Microsoft enthusiasts who call themselves "The .exe-files". The group's claim of having seen Windows run without crashing is tainted by the revelation earlier this year that some members had falsified evidence by doctoring output from standard UNIX utilities and passing it off as authentic Windows data files.

4) Subject: Lava lamp news

Most numbers are so packed with significance that scientists often spend time trying to create ones that mean absolutely nothing, such as random numbers. Along these lines, some really groovy cats at Silicon Graphics came up with Lavarand, which takes random number generation a step further by adding an obvious ingredient to the mix: lava lamps. It's simple. They've set up a couple of lava lamps in front of a camera, and every now and then, they take a picture and digitize it. Then they "crypto-graphically hash the digitization" and then --- um, well, we better let them explain.

So, what are random numbers good for? Why are scientists always looking for them? The guys at Lavarand have two suggestions: lottery numbers and poetry. What will they think of next?

and for the truly curious check out:

Lava World - "just go with the flow", brought to you by the creators of the original Lava Lite lamp.

5) Subject: Other Boycotts of the Southern Baptists

The Top 15 Other Boycotts of the Southern Baptists

15) Christmas carols, for promoting gay apparel

14) The Food Channel, because of repeated use of the terms "Beef Tenderloins" and "Chicken Breast"

13) Devils Food Chocolate Birthday Cakes--oh, what the heck, birthdays, too!

12) Richard Simmons, because "There's something just not quite right about that man."

11) McDonald's, because "They're Irish."

10) "Poblec Skools"

9) No more Marilyn Manson concerts performed in Disney-owned venues

8) Pink Panther - gay or communist, hard to tell, doesn't matter

7) Warner Brothers for putting a talking, naked-from-the-waist-down pig in their cartoons

6) Ben-Gay Ointment

5) Marvin Gaye records

4) The Smithsonian's Homo Erectus exhibit

3) Mentos? The 'Devil's' candy!

2) Federal Express - no respectable company says "package" in public

... and the Number 1 Other Boycott of the Southern Baptists ...

1) The New York Yankees, because George Steinbrenner is an assho -- Uh, a wretched sinner

6) Subject: Some great Homer Simpson quotes

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal.

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
(step step step step step...slam)

Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken?"
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...

(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch, munch, munch).

Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical.

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

7) Subject: campus pranks

* A friend of mine at U of Chicago once calculated the resonant frequency of his dorm's stairwells, bought a test record with that tone on it and played it into the stairwells from a number of stereos. Apparently had the entire building shaking visibly before they got scared enough to turn it off.

* I had a friend who lived in a room next to the study lounge. The night before finals, I invited him up to my room and then phoned his room, letting the phone ring until the angry mob in the study lounge broke down the door and ripped the phone off the wall.

* Ran an imaginary student for a student government position. He was named after a dog. He didn't actually make the ballot because his false ID was discovered by the administration, but he still won on write-in votes.

* I had a white cane and dark sunglasses, and I would go with a friend of mine to a Mall, where he would lead me around as if I was blind. However, he would be deliberately cruel, leading me into pillars, telling me the wrong number of steps, and so on. People would get very upset.

* A friend and I put on surgical greens, masks, booties and so on, and then splashed red food coloring on ourselves. Then we burst into the medical library, arguing loudly and go over to the reference copy of Gray's Anatomy. I leaf through it, peer at a picture, and point and say triumphantly "See, I TOLD you it was on the left side. What are you, dyslexic?" My friend looks abashed, shrugs, and we walk out.

8) Subject: puns puns puns - I'm sorry, very, very, very sorry

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,
"I'll just have the eggs benedict."
His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"
The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So, the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first?
The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."

When she told me I was average she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other,
"Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!".

9) If Microsoft Built Cars

  1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, accept this, restart and drive on.
  3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
  4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
  6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.
  7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
  9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb.
  10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  11. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
  12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
  13. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.
  14. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
  15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.
  16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!
  17. If you still ran old versions of car (i.e., CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster and on more roads!
  18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends and then copy it.
  19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.
  20. You would need to by an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.

10) Subject: HK Hangover


JULY 1, 1997






11) Subject: Signs that you are too drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

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