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Years ago when Mike Tyson, boxing heavyweight champion, was being interviewed before the Leon Spinks fight, a reporter told him, "You know, Spinks has a plan for how to fight you." Tyson said, "They all got a plan -- until they get hit."
"The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake these, you've got it made. " -- Mark Twain
"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
"The future ain't what it used to be" --Yogi Berra
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either.
Predictions: Our Top 10
"A belief is like a guillotine, just as heavy, just as light."
-- Franz Kafka, Collected Aphorisms, no. 87
(German novelist, short-story writer, and all-around cheery guy.)
A teeshirt seen in the West Village:
If ignorance is bliss why aren't more people happy?
"Misogynists are people who aren't sophisticated enough to be misanthropes." -- Martin Doudoroff
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions.
Tortoise Trophy
To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the
InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include
trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
Rubber Cushion
To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream
and glued his buttocks together.
Crimewatch Cup
Gold star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a
stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital
letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court, "My
client is not a very bright young man."
Silver star:
To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became
so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming
"Call me back!" and left his phone number.
Bronze star:
To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and
phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.
British Cup
To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who averted
their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and
then moved on to intercourse ... but then complained when the pair lit
up post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.
Flying Cross
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having
beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a
cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and handing
his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.
Lazarus Laurel
To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered round her coffin in
a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was
going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's
daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.
FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* All generalizations are false.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Born free...Taxed to death.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Laugh alone... and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* i souport publik edekashun.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
Subject: Your 'Have A Nice Day' Laugh
These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in
the state of Missouri, circa 1989.
Children's Answers in Music Education
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.
Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?
My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
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