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At 3am in the morning, the phone at the Shevra Kaddisha rings. "Hello" says Hyme answering the phone, "this is Hyme at Shevra Kaddisha" "Oi, Hyme, its Abe Cohen:- my wife has just died." "Abe, Abe, go back to sleep. You're just having a nightmare. I personally buried your wife 10 years ago!" says Hyme. "No Hyme, you don't understand; I remarried last year" replies Abe. "Oh?" says Hyme, "I didn't know: Mazeltov!"
Interpretation: The Shevra Kadisha (excuse my spelling) is the Jewish Burial Society; as soon as someone passes away, one called the Shevra Kadisha to collect the body and arrange the funeral. And Mazeltov means Congratulations!
Building officials from a dozen local municipalities toured Bill and Melinda Gates' house, still under construction, last month, below are the comments from one of the officials.
Fry Tim McVeigh - sing to the tune of YMCA (by the Village People)
Trials - there's one every day
I said trials - spent 2 years with OJ
With these trials - now we're on Tim McVeigh
And there's one thing we want to say
chorus
We want the jury to
FRY Tim Mcveigh
We want the jury to
FRY Tim McVeigh
We don't want no parole
We don't want no appeal
We don't want no big bargain deal
We want the jury to
FRY Tim McVeigh
WE want the jury to
FRY Tim McVeigh
Send him straight to the chair
Shave his crewcut - dork hair
And don't stop till he's medium rare
We know - he's a murdering scum
We think - he should be strung up by his thumbs
For what he did - with his rented truck bomb
And now that the trial has begun
Connections - there's a new one each week
They've been published - by some internet geek
And by Playboy - we know they'd never lie
It's all there right by Miss July
repeat chorus
Lawyers - we won't let this one go
So reserve him - the best room on death row
In the meantime - while he waits in the pen
Let's hope some hulk makes Tim his girlfriend !
repeat chorus
The Gittelbergs moved to the suburbs. One day Alvin Gittelberg, age seven, was playing under the sprinklers with a neighbor, Mary Clanahan, age six. Soon they took off their bathing suits ... All this Mrs Gittelberg observed from her kitchen window.
When little Alvin came back into the house, Mrs Gittelberg said, "What were you doing with--that little girl?"
"Oh, we just *schmeied* around."
"Uh ... is there anything you'd--like to ask me, Alvin?"
"Well, I didn't know there was *that* much difference between Gentiles and Jews."
-Leo Rosten: Hooray for Yiddish (1982)
Schmuel goes to the doctor. He has a string hanging out of his rear. The doctor says that this is most unusual.
"I don't know what to make of it. I have no diagnosis. Perhaps we should just pull the string and see what happens."
The learned doctor proceeded to pull the string. He pulled, and pulled and out came a dozen long stemmed american beauty roses.
"My God," proclaimed the doctor. "I've never seen that before. Where do you suppose they came from?"
Schmuel replied, "I don't know. Is there a card?
1. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.
2. A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
3. Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?
Litre Vino.
4. A woman goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath." So she goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager she needs enough milk to take a bath. The salesclerk asks "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah", the woman replied "Up to my chin should do it."
5. What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
6. In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.
7. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.
8. Why did the maharishi refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
9. Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
10. A scientist cloned herself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, were in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
A baby polar bear goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, am I a polar bear?"
His mother says, "Of course you're a polar bear. I'm a polar bear and your father's a polar bear."
The cub says, "But am I one-hundred per cent pure polar bear?"
She says, "Go ask your old man."
The baby polar bear goes up to his father and says, "Pop, am I a polar bear? I mean, one-hundred percent pure polar bear?"
His father says, "Of course you're a polar bear. I'm a polar bear, your mother's a polar bear, both my parents were polar bears, both of your mother's parents were polar bears, all of our grandparents, both sides, were polar bears...yes, you're one-hundred percent pure polar bear. Why do you ask?"
The cub says, "Because I'm fucking freezing."
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later the father received a bill, listing Delivery Room Fee: $500. He wrote the hospital and reminded them that the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived. Greens Fee: $200.
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