Round 16

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  1. Plays Shakespeare Didn't Publish
  2. Errors deleted from manuscripts
  3. Police methods
  4. ineffective daily affirmations
  5. some doctor jokes
  6. euro-speak
  7. husbandly advice
  8. A letter from Martha Stewart
  9. Slogans for Tyson-Holyfield III
  10. Twisted takes on Tyson's dining habits.
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Round 16

1) Subject: Plays Shakespeare Didn't Publish

16) Christopher Marlowe Can Kiss My Elizabethan Ass

15) Henry VIII, I Am, I Am

14) Fast Times at Verona High

13) A Midsummer Night's Nocturnal Emission

12) Om'let

11) Love's Fing'r Pulled

10) Romeo & Steve

9) Twelfth Night, Children Stay Free

8) Felines

7) Henry VIII was a Big Fat Idiot

6) Six Degrees of Francis Bacon

5) Stratford-upon-Avon 90210

4) Hamlet II - Where the hell is everybody?

3) Romeo & Michelle's High School Reunion

2) King Gump

...and the Number 1 Play Shakespeare Chose Not to Publish...

1) Booty Calleth

2) Subject: Errors deleted from manuscripts

Her hair was almost white with deep blue eyes

Almost as tall as I am in her high heels, she has reddish brunette hair

I received a marvelous set of eight-by-ten glossy prints of me and Todd fucking wildly via the US Mail.

I passed a thin woman wearing glasses with ordinary brown hair

With a quick jerk he striped my body

Her boobs juggle if someone leaves the window open and there's a breeze

I whispered a suggestion that we take a walk into her ear

Sometimes I can look in my mirror, rubbing my nipples together, my eyes glazing, then I suck them

. . . one room with a sink in one corner, fridge next to it, stove crammed in between.

David had bought me a cheap man's suit

Then she took my hand and started rubbing the juice from her pussy on her head

Even on her back, her tits still look large and inviting

She was just sitting there, no one talking to her, standing tall at the bar

I heard a knock on the door and turned to find the single most beautiful woman I'd ever seen standing in the living room

And the following is reprinted verbatim from a personal classified ad: Young white male, Columbus area. Looking for young, gay, good-looking male for long-lasting relationship. Must be white or Italian.

3) Subject: Police methods

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at capturing criminals. The President decides to give then a test. Separately, he releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest killing everything in it (including the rabbit) and they make no apologies -- the rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling "Okay Okay!!! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit !!!!!"

4) Subject: ineffective daily affirmations

- As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

- I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- Joan of Arc heard voices too.

- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

- I am at one with my duality.

- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

- To understand all is to fear all.

- I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

- The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

5) Subject: some doctor jokes

* The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

* Heard on Leno's monologue:
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

* There are several kinds of doctors and they can be differentiated by the following methods:
General Practitioners know nothing and do little.
Surgeons know little and do everything.
Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

* A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

* A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

6) Subject: euro-speak

Official Announcement

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'C' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgraseful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ziz fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.


7) Subject: husbandly advice

That's when she shot, him, your honor...

A woman was standing naked in front of the mirror inspecting her breasts. She turned to her husband and said, "I wish I could increase the size of my breasts."

To which he replied, "That's easy, Honey. Just rub toilet paper between them a couple of times a day."

"Will that really help?" she asked.

"Sure. Just look what it did for your butt!"

8) Subject: A letter from Martha Stewart

Monday, 9:00 a.m.

Hi Loretta,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper. I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long -- I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon.

Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun!

9) Subject: Slogans for Tyson-Holyfield III

10. The Third Gogh Around

9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer

8. The Last Supper

7. Ear-Reconcilable Differences

6. Grazing Bull

5. You Wanna Piece of Me?

4. Blood, Sweat, and Ears

3. No Lobe Lost

2. Bite of the Century

1. Because you're dumb enough to pay for it

10) Subject: Twisted takes on Tyson's dining habits.

Here's a selection of newspaper headlines on Sunday and Monday from the Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield fight and its aftermath:

"A Bad Bite for Boxing" - The News & Observer of Raleigh.

"Twice Bitten" - Times-Picayune of New Orleans.

"Bite of the Century!" - Arizona Republic.

"Bite Night" - Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader.

"Tyson's Tasteless Tactics: Bite Night" - The Record of Hackensack, N.J.

"Reality Bites" - Times Union of Albany, N.Y.

"Did Tyson Bite Off More Than He Can Chew? Time Will Tell" - Salt Lake Tribune.

"Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism" - The (Baltimore) Sun.

"Biting Commentary" - The Boston Herald.

"Tyson Bites the Dust, Holyfield" - Huntsville (Ala.) Times.

"Holyfield May Take a Bite Out of Tyson" - The Indianapolis Star.

"Holyfield Can't Stay Unbitten as Heavyweight" - Sun-Sentinel, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

"Earmarks of cowardice" - Houston Chronicle.

"Earmark of an eerie night" - The Atlanta Journal and the Atlanta Constitution.

"A two-bit bout: Holyfield wins" - Kansas City Star.

"From Champ to Chomp" - The Herald-Sun of Durham, N.C.

"The Champ and the Chomp" - The Jersey Journal.

"Holyfield Still Chomp-ion" - San Francisco Examiner.

"Heavyweight Chomp" - Philadelphia Inquirer.

"Undisputed Chomp" - USA Today.

"World Chomp" - The Sun (London).

"Requiem for a Chompion" - Philadelphia Daily News.

"Sucker Munch" - The Sun (London).

"Biting Back: Evander has public's ear" - Daily News, New York.

"Toss Tyson Out on Ear" - Daily News, New York.

"Ear Flap" - Newsday.

"Ears Have It! Evander Wins" - Montgomery (Ala.) Advertiser.

"Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow" - Providence Journal-Bulletin.

"Dracula" - New York Post.

"Champ Chewing Over Legal Options" - New York Post.

"It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat" - New York Post.

"For Tyson, Tooth Hurts" - New York Post.

"Now Ear This: Rematch is Possible" - New York Post.

"Lobe Blow for Boxing" - The Tennessean.

"Iron Mike Goes Down Biting" - The Sunday Oklahoman.

"Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next" - The Daily Oklahoman.

"Ear of Scorn" - Kansas City Star.

"Pay Per Chew" - Philadelphia Daily News.

"Holyfield Lends Ear as Tyson Self-Destructs" - Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.

"Ear-Responsible" - Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

"Tyson Scars Face of Boxing" - The Guardian (London).

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