Round 17

1. What Men Really Mean
2. Answering machines
3. HYPOTHESES AND RESEARCH GARNERING 1996 NOBEL PRIZES IN APPLIED PHYSICS
4. Airforce denies UFO Crash
5. Personal Ads
6. Life will not be like Star Trek
7. In a Galaxy Far, Far Away...
8. More quotes
9. Hayseed Microsoft
10. HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM

Round 17

1) Subject: What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing." Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me. Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means....
"My roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game." Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
"And I sure hope you think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

" But I hate to go shopping." Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you." Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer." Really means....
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her." Really means....
"She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

2) Subject: Answering machines

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

"You have reached WPMS - 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of ragtime. WPMS."

You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

"Hi. Now you say something."

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL hang up on you if leave a boring message.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on and on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

3) HYPOTHESES AND RESEARCH GARNERING 1996 NOBEL PRIZES IN APPLIED PHYSICS

Subject: HYPOTHESES AND RESEARCH GARNERING 1996 NOBEL PRIZES IN APPLIED PHYSICS

NOBEL PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the paws of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

RUNNERS-UP:

#1 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

#2 Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

#3 Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

#4 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION:

#1 Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

#2 The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. Besides, they get better gas mileage that way.

#3 The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

4) Subject: Airforce denies UFO Crash

Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokes-person for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft".

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases". Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up", pointing out that Mars has no swamps.

5) Subject: Personal Ads

A List of Abbreviations in the "Women Seeking Men" Classifieds

Sooo, where's the male side of that list? Here, I'll give you a start:

6) Subject: Life will not be like Star Trek

There are so many Star Trek spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.

Medical Technology
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.

Transporter
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.

'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'

If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.

If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.

Holodeck
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.

Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage. I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.

Sex with Aliens
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.

Trying to Have Sex with an Alien

Me: May I touch that?

Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.

Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.

Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.

The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.

Phasers
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!

On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.

Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.

Officer: Well, okay. Move along.

I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible. And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.

Cyborgs
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.

I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'

It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.

I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.

The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.

Shields
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.

I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.

Shopping with Shields Up

Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.

Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!

Me: Try it. My shields are up.

Saleswoman: Damn!

Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.

Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.

Me: Nice try.

Long-Range Sensors
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him and that means extra break time.

Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.

'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'

I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'

And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.

Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness.

7) Subject: In a Galaxy Far, Far Away...

Luke: "You used to program."

Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same as your father."

Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer. He was a custodian at Lockheed-Martin."

Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should go to work. Not gotten a degree."

Luke: "I wish I had known him."

Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems programmer in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a good hacker yourself. And he was a good friend. For over ten years the systems programmers created user interfaces. Before the dark times. Before Microsoft."

Luke: "How did my father die?"

Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded Microsoft and helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He betrayed and murdered the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the Dark Side of Money."

Luke: "Money?"

Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an exchange system created by human beings. It surrounds us. Works for us. Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn't allow it. He thought you'd follow old Obi-Wan on some damn idealistic crusade."

Luke: "What is it?"

Ben: "It's an object modeling tool. The weapon of a systems programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An elegant compiler for a more civilized age."

8) More quotes

"Learning. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious." -- Ambrose Bierce, U.S. author, 'The Devil's Dictionary' (1881-1906)

A bid is just a wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

You can't kill a bad idea.

New York is the sort of town where anything can happen and usually does. It just doesn't happen to me.

Man who fart in church sit in his own pew. -- unknown, (thank god)

The check's in your mouth and I won't come in the mail.

If a man speaks in a forest and no woman is around to hear him is he still wrong?

9) Subject: Hayseed Microsoft

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
3. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
4. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
5. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
6. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart
7. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
8. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++"
9. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
10. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
11. Instead of latte carts we'd have grit carts
12. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
13. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
14. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
15. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
16. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
17. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
18. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

10) Subject: HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California *with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"

Dust-covered luxury SUV, speed no slower than 80 mph, cell phone in one hand, cigarette in the other hand, cobwebs on the turn signal lever: Detroit suburban driver.