| Next round | Previous round | Return to Bad Humor homepage |
| Next round | Previous round | Return to Bad Humor homepage |
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal. He asks, "My God almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker says, "So much for your canoe, you stupid fuck!"
A New Yorker was flying to Los Angeles and when the airliner reached Arizona the announcement was made that they were now passing over the Grand Canyon. He looked down for a few seconds and then went back to his magazine. The stewardess said, "You don't seem too impressed." The New Yorker said, "You've seen one pothole, you've seen them all!"
What does it mean when they fly the flag at half mast over the post office?
They're hiring!
Just in case you're asked to write a letter of recommendation for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer
of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate
or recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't
seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been
through in school."
- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because
of academic requirements
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison
for three years, not Princeton."
- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
Don King
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find
my #%@# clothes."
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit
to Greece
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
1992, Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
1982 Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
1981 Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
1976 Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: "Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it."
1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"
1981 Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
1966 Red Auerbach, the Boston Celtics' general manager, asked if he had any criticism of Bill Russell's coaching: "He has the players too happy."
1971 Mike Lucci, Detroit Lion linebacker, on his three key interceptions against the Chicago Bears: "Yeah, they gave me the game ball. If they hadn't given it to me, I would have taken it, anyway."
1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
1991 Alan Kulwicki, late stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: "They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free."
1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
1991 Jim Colletto, then the new Purdue football coach and a former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that means we're not going to any more bowl games.'"
1986 LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
1981 Dorothy Shula, on the career dedication of her husband, the longtime Miami Dolphins' coach: "I'm fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral."
1976 Mike Newlin, Houston Rockets guard, after a game his team lost to the New York Nets: "We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity."
1971 Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: "They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its night life, San Diego's sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi."
1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn't use a "lonely end" formation: "We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown."
1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: "It wasn't as easy as you think. It's hard to stay awake that long."
1991 Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide receiver Jerry Rice: "Rapport? You mean like, 'You run as fast as you can, and I'll throw it as far as I can'?"
1966 Tom Nissalke, then new coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked, during a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name said: "Tom."
1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
1976 Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: "You mean in the state?"
The turtle lives 'tween plated decks,
Which practically conceals its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.
Ogden Nash
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (otherwise known as NASA) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million.
The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
(yeah and they are using the same pencil to try and fix the MIR... Joan)
A point of interest, a Finnish researcher from our company, working in England, was arrested at Heathrow as he left the plane.... for public intoxication! Seems the airliner called ahead and the local police arrested him as he walked off the plane. He had to spend the night in jail and the company had to bail him out the next day. Question is, how drunk do you have to be on an airplane to get arrested? (by Bobbies!!!??)
GENERATION X OFFICE LINGO
Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing - scanning the KNet, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity - Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.
404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located - Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
'Ohno'second - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs - "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired.
Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace.
| Next round | Previous round | Return to Bad Humor homepage |