| Next round | Previous round | Return to Bad Humor homepage |
| Next round | Previous round | Return to Bad Humor homepage |
One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen!! Seventeen!!"
Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that. The first man responded, "It's a blast. You have to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it."
Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly.
The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher. Yell louder."
So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush. Seventeen!! Seventeen!!"
The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The first man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover out from under the second, causing him to fall down the manhole.
The first one man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and screaming, "Eighteen!! Eighteen!!"
In light of the recent departure of the Chairman and CEO of Apple Computers and Apple's recent dismal sales, analysts were not surprised today, when Apple's acting chairman, as part of Apple's new corporate strategy, ordered 12,00 pair of black Nikes and purple shrouds.
Heard from a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!"
(brief pause)
First voice: "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the Bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee. "Great!" replies the second.
The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
Those old college dreams not panning out? Are you stuck at a dead end job? Well its not too late! You can change your life forever when you sell CRACK!!
Look at all the benefits selling CRACK has over any other job out there:
Regular job *Have to dress in constricting attire and wear a tie.
Selling CRACK *Wear anything you want! Show up to work in a robe and bunny slippers... nobody cares what a CRACK dealer wears!
Selling CRACK *Earn more in a month than an brain surgeon makes in a year! You want that red porche? Buy it now with CRACK CASH! You want a house with running water? Buy it now with CRACK CASH!
Selling CRACK *Someone look at you cross eyed? Don't like the color of someone's shirt? Pull out your nine and chalk 'em! You can do that when you sell CRACK!
Selling CRACK *Meet celebrities, models, and politicians from around the world! People will beat a path to your door and ask for you by name! All because you sell CRACK!
Selling CRACK *Influence popular culture and music! Movies will be made about your lifestyle! Get congress' undivided attention with your daily actions!! All because you sell CRACK!!!
Selling CRACK *Retirement? You'll be lucky to live past 30 when you sell CRACK!
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pops. The World's Smartest Man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave
them alone for a few minutes.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable,
say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
1. Have you done it on a boat?
2. Have you done it with a goat?
3. Have you done it in a bed?
4. Have you done it with the dead?
5. Have you done it in the ass?
6. Have you done it, high on grass?
7. Have you done it in the car?
8. Have you simply gone too far?
9. Have you done it on the beach?
10. Have you done it with the teach?
11. Have you done it on your back?
12. Have you done it strapped to a rack?
13. Have you done it in a box?
14. Have you done it with a fox?
15. Have you done it in a tree?
16. Have you done it with more than three?
17. Have you done it in the rain?
18. Have you done it for the pain?
19. Have you done it 'tween the tits?
20. Have you done it wearing mitts?
21. Have you done it packed in rubber?
22. Have you done it undercover?
23. Have you done it on a perch?
24. Have you done it in a church?
25. Have you done it with a virgin?
26. Have you done it with a sturgeon?
27. Have you done it with ropes and chains?
28. Have you done it while insane?
29. Have you done it on the stage?
30. Have you done it underage?
31. Have you done it with all your friends?
32. Have you done it in both ends?
33. Have you done it with your dog?
34. Have you done it on a log?
35. Have you done it under clamps?
36. Have you done it with the lamps?
37. Have you done it without style?
38. Have you done it with a child?
39. Have you done it for all to see?
40. Have you ever had VD?
41. Have you done it on Mother's couch?
42. Have you done it in your mouth?
43. Have you done it while on tape?
44. Have you done it out of shape?
45. Have you done it on live TV?
46. Have you done it whilst you pee?
47 Have you done it in the gym?
48. Have you done it on a whim?
49. Have you done it on a dare?
50. Do you really think we care?
Researchers in Denmark recently announced that the human male has 4 billion more brain cells compared to a female, but they don't know what men do with them.
My guess: Those cells are used to try to comprehend women.
And they haven't helped much.
This speech was given by Kurt Vonnegut at MIT's commencement this year.
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97.
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
Kurt Vonnegut, 6/97
In hopes of halting further erronoeus distribution of the email message purporting to convey a "commencement speech at MIT in '97 by Kurt Vonengut," or AT LEAST to ensure PROPER ATTRIBUTION of those witty remarks, please find below the following article by the columnist, Mary Schmich, of the Chicago Tribune.
TODAY'S COLUMN Vonnegut? Schmich? Who can tell in cyberspace
VONNEGUT UNPLUGGED? The June 1, 1997 column that started it all. Mary Schmich
Web-posted: Saturday, August 2, 1997
I am Kurt Vonnegut.
Oh, Kurt Vonnegut may appear to be a brilliant, revered male novelist. I may appear to be a mediocre and virtually unknown female newspaper columnist. We may appear to have nothing in common but unruly hair.
But out in the lawless swamp of cyberspace, Mr. Vonnegut and I are one. Out there, where any snake can masquerade as king, both of us are the author of a graduation speech that began with the immortal words, "Wear sunscreen."
I was alerted to my bond with Mr. Vonnegut Friday morning by several callers and e-mail correspondents who reported that the sunscreen speech was rocketing through the cyberswamp, from L.A. to New York to Scotland, in a vast e-mail chain letter.
Friends had e-mailed it to friends, who e-mailed it to more friends, all of whom were told it was the commencement address given to the graduating class at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The speaker was allegedly Kurt Vonnegut.
Imagine Mr. Vonnegut's surprise. He was not, and never has been, MIT's commencement speaker. Imagine my surprise. I recall composing that little speech one Friday afternoon while high on coffee and M&M's. It appeared in this space on June 1. It included such deep thoughts as "Sing," "Floss," and "Don't mess too much with your hair." It was not art.
But out in the cyberswamp, truth is whatever you say it is, and my simple thoughts on floss and sunscreen were being passed around as Kurt Vonnegut's eternal wisdom.
Poor man. He didn't deserve to have his reputation sullied in this way.
So I called a Los Angles book reviewer, with whom I'd never spoken, hoping he could help me find Mr. Vonnegut.
"You mean that thing about sunscreen?" he said when I explained the situation. "I got that. It was brilliant. He didn't write that?"
He didn't know how to find Mr. Vonnegut. I tried MIT.
"You wrote that?" said Lisa Damtoft in the news office. She said MIT had received many calls and e-mails on this year's "sunscreen" commencement speech. But not everyone was sure: Who had been the speaker?
The speaker on June 6 was Kofi Annan, secretary general of the United Nations, who did not, as Mr. Vonnegut and I did in our speech, urge his graduates to "dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room." He didn't mention sunscreen.
As I continued my quest for Mr. Vonnegut - his publisher had taken the afternoon off, his agent didn't answer - reports of his "sunscreen" speech kept pouring in.
A friend called from Michigan. He'd read my column several weeks ago. Friday morning he received it again - in an e-mail from his boss. This time it was not an ordinary column by an ordinary columnist. Now it was literature by Kurt Vonnegut.
Fortunately, not everyone who read the speech believed it was Mr. Vonnegut's.
"The voice wasn't quite his," sniffed one doubting contributor to a Vonnegut chat group on the Internet. "It was slightly off -- a little too jokey, a little too cute . . . a little too `Seinfeld.' "
Hoping to find the source of this prank, I traced one e-mail backward from its last recipient, Hank De Zutter, a professor at Malcolm X College in Chicago. He received it from a relative in New York, who received it from a film producer in New York, who received it from a TV producer in Denver, who received it from his sister, who received it. . . .
I realized the pursuit of culprit zero would be endless. I gave up.
I did, however, finally track down Mr. Vonnegut. He picked up his own phone. He'd heard about the sunscreen speech from his lawyer, from friends, from a women's magazine that wanted to reprint it until he denied he wrote it.
"It was very witty, but it wasn't my wittiness," he generously said.
Reams could be written on the lessons in this episode. Space confines me to two.
One: I should put Kurt Vonnegut's name on my column. It would be like sticking a Calvin Klein label on a pair of K-Mart jeans.
Two: Cyberspace, in Mr. Vonnegut's word, is "spooky."
E-mail Mary Schmich at mschmich@tribune.com
| Next round | Previous round | Return to Bad Humor homepage |