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Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do". He then excused himself to visit the men's room and the other called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"
So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."
Ever wonder if there are others of Yoda's race and if they speak the same way? Imagine the Yoda-men in the office, around the water cooler.
Yoda 1: Hello, Bill.
Yoda 2: Morning, Hank.
Yoda 1: Finish that proposal, you did?
Yoda 2: Yes, finally. Quite a chore, it was.
Yoda 1: That Henderson, he is a slave driver, eh?
Yoda 2: Yes. To kick his ass I'd like. There is no try, only do. Asshole he is.
Cane toads were introduced into Queensland (Australia), supposedly to help control the cane beetle population. It seemed like a good idea: the only problem was that it didn't work (although your average cane toad will give a rat a good fight). Queensland has been stuck with this poisonous insectivore, which has become an unofficial mascot of our state. It's not that we're obsessed with them... From the news archives at the University of Queensland:
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Wanted: An old golf club
ANTHONY: Has anyone got an old golf club that they don't want ? Thank you
Anthony
From: farrell@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
"Has anyone got an old golf club that they don't want ?"
FARRELL: Yes, the St Lucia gold club is a bit old and tatty and I can't
get there regularly any more. Be my guest. Friendless.
From: warwick@cs.uq.oz.au (Warwick Allison)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
"Yes, the St Lucia gold club is a bit old and tatty and I can't get
there regularly any more. Be my guest."
WARWICK: Oh don't be so silly, you know he meant racquet. Warwick.
From: ralf@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
"Oh don't be so silly, you know he meant racquet."
RALF: An old golf club that they don't racquet? I don't understand, Ralf
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
ANTHONY: I don't know why you guys have to make it so complicated. Look
I am just to death of seeing cane toads outside the front of the CS building
everytime I come in ok. So I need an old golf club to hit them with. I
mean what else would you use a golf club for?
From: davo@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
"club to hit them with. I mean what else would you use a golf club
for?
DAVO: Have you thought of the damage you could inflict on unsuspecting
fellow human beings after they've been hit by a high velocity cane toad.
Really Anthony, I do hear that putting them in a freezer is a good way
of killing them. So I suggest you hit them with a freezer. (If nothing
else it does a lot more damage.) Davo.
From: ralf@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
RALF: Now that is a good idea! So I suppose the question now is if anyone
has an old freezer they don't want anymore.
From: da@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
DA: Well Davo has a fridge here on the fourth floor. Now, if we could just
persuade a few cane toads to gather below the workshop window ...
From: farrell@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
FARRELL: Now, if we could just persuade a few cane toads to gather below
the workshop window. I think Anthony wants to kill the toads himself. Therefore
*he* should assemble below the window and catch it and take it to the toads
himself. BTW Anthony, what's wrong with a cricket bat? Why choose an elitist
Japanese-style item of sports apparatus to kill toads?
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
ANTHONY: Nothing wrong with a cricket bat, in fact if anyone has an old
cricket bat I will gladly use it. I have a confession to make, it is not
just the toads outside the department that's giving trouble. There are
hundreds of toads outside our new house in Corinda. Just the other night
I used an old umbrella to kill one. Boy, those things are hard to kill.
I hit it a few times but it refused to die. Eventually I used the tip and
went for his lungs. He died, see I had to do it, my dog was coming and
he would have tried to eat it. Also I have no more room in my freezer.
From: rhys@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
RHYS: I should report you to the TLAQ (Toad Lover's Association of Queensland).
Golf clubs, cricket bats and falling freezers are condoned in the charter
of the TLAQ, because the toad still has a fighting chance. But umbrella
tips? That is just too cruel. You are a sicko! So what if your dog eats
a toad and dies? That's just natural selection at work. But umbrellas are
not natural. Help stamp out umbrellas in the war against toads! Rhys.
From: da@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
"Eventually I used the tip and went for his lungs. He died, ..."
DA: Yes and often even this doesn't kill them. I'll bet he wasn't there
in the morning. Hopefully, a solution to this obnoxious little pest will
arrive soon. Until then ... F O U R!!
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
"I'll bet he wasn't there in the morning ..."
ANTHONY: Oh yes he was there in the morning (at least his body was).
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Pottery forsale
ANTHONY: I recently moved from St Lucia to Corinda and I found a few pieces
of pottery that I've made in high school. I was thinking of throwing them
out but some for them do look, well, interesting. Come to my room and have
a look if you are curious. I will give them away for $2 each. What a bargain
!
From: adrian@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Pottery forsale
Date: 17 Feb 92 20:13:51 GMT
"pieces of pottery that I've made in high school. I was thinking of
throwing them out but some for them do look, well, interesting."
ADRIAN: Why not use them on cane toads? Depending on the weight of the
"art objects" they could either be used as projectiles or for
crushing. Adrian
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Pottery forsale
ANTHONY: I also have some paintings forsale too, I don't know if they are
any good for killing cane toads.
SIX MONTHS LATER
From: anthony@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Pottery and paintings give away
I am about to move desk and I want to give away a collection of fine paintings
and pottery pieces. Yes, they were already at the low price of $2 a piece
but now I am giving them away. Yes, it is unbelievable that I am giving
away such fine pieces but I have no room for them. Come to room 706 and
inspect them for yourself. There are no hidden extras. Think of the time
when you wish you had a paper weight. Think of the time when you want to
throw something at your dog to stop it from barking. Summer is coming and
you need something to drop on cane toads.
From: sarge@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Cane Toads
SARGE: Leap before you look. The Lemming.
From: rhys@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
RHYS:
* This is a cane toad before being hit with a fridge.
_____ This is a cane toad after being hit with a fridge.
o This is a cane toad that has been spiked with an umbrella.
^ This is a cane toad hopping away from certain doom at the hands of Anthony
Lee.
< This is a cane toad heading out over the back fence at great speed
after being hit with a golf club.
> This is a cane toad heading out over the front fence.
~ This is a cane toad after being run over by a car (tire tracks).
_ This is a cane toad that has been run over by a steam-roller.
+ This is two cane toads in the middle of the road that have been run over
while increasing the cane toad population.
Can anyone think of any more?
From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
"Can anyone think of any more?"
MURRAY:
This is the cane toad that has been redirected into /dev/null.
0 This is a cane toad after being hit by a hunting arrow fired from a 200lb
bow.
~~~~=> This is a cane toad heading out over the front fence at great
speed after being hit with a golf club after being set on fire after having
kerosene poured down its throat through the straw you inserted just after
hitting it with a hammer so that it sat up nicely.
You asked.
From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
MURRAY: The Pine Rivers Shire Council has a semi-annual toad cull and this
year they published a list of what NOT to bring to the hunt:
Thought you'd like to know.
From: warwick@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
WARWICK: Ah, what a kind and caring bunch we are. Do we still pull the
wings from flies too?
From: tonyg@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
"Ah, what a kind and caring bunch we are. Do we still pull the wings
from flies too?"
TONY: Only while I'm waiting for the coffee machine to stop dripping. Tony.
From: davo@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
DAVO: Only so that we can, drop fridges on them, hit them with golf clubs,
burn the with flame throwers, etc.
From: muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
MURRAY: ...and then feed them to toads?
An Indian tourist named Tonto
Bought sex from a whore in Toronto.
He returned to the wild
Disappointed and riled....
In Toronto poor Tonto came pronto!
When a horny conductor named Storrs
Had removed the girl oboist's drawers,
He exclaimed climbing on,
"I've a private baton
That I use for non-musical scores!"
Our Unique Video Will Show You How.
Many men believe that in order to meet women they've got to be dashingly hansom. If they aren't... (it continues...)
I guess this explains why cabbies are so successful with women.
Imagine if you will, the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"
"So... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
"Oh my god. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally, yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Oh my god. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be:
"zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc. in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Subject: For the politically challenged
The essence of Texas politics
"It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
- Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues
to go into the state treasury
"Lemme give ya' a hypothetic."
- Texas Rep. Renal Rosson
"Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and
dead armadillos."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower
"And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs
"Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a
person who can create one."
- A. C. Greene
"No thanks, once was enough."
- Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again
"Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor
Bill Clements had been studying Spanish
"I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that
he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.
"Well, there never was a Bible in the room."
- Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the
SMU football scandal.
"I am filled with humidity."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights
on that man's head."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George
Bush's policies
"If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier
to listen..."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower
"I move we recess to go outside and throw up."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing
"This is a real competitive business."
- A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline
prices when Kuwait was invaded
"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..."
- Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote
"It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn."
- Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton
"Let's do this in one foul sweep."
- Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton
"This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished
yourselves this session."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you."
- Anon.
"There are still places where people think that the function of
the media is to provide information."
- Don Rottenberg
"Which one is that?" "I just voted the way my wife told
me to; she knew what it was."
- Texas gubernatorial candidate Clayton Williams, when asked how he had
voted on the only proposition on the Texas ballot
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