| Next round | Previous round | Return to Bad Humor homepage |
| Next round | Previous round | Return to Bad Humor homepage |
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her and they did their thing.
After they were done, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. The new Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell. Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own phones. We need to take the "market" out of Telemarketing.
Premise: Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales. If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you are selling.
Counter-Tactic: Waste as much of their time as you can. For each minute that you waste means several potential customers that will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging up only increases the changes for them to make a sale. Don't let this happen!
Hints: Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making minimum wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. It's easy points, you were watching Star Trek and weren't using your phone anyway. It's easy to keep them interested using "attentive grunting", similar to when your mother calls.
Basic Point System:
For each minute spent on the phone 10 pts.
Getting transfered to someone who makes more than minimum wage 15 pts
Each minute spent on phone with person making more than min. wage 25 pts
Bonus Points:
Getting them to repeat part of the "script" 5 pts/each
Getting answers to stupid questions 15 pts/each
Changing the subject 50 pts/each
Making the sales person angry 175 pts
Making the sales person use profanity 750 pts
Get their boss on the phone, and tell them the salesman used profanity
1500 pts
Getting their 1-800- number 10 pts
Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as a free "Phone Sex"
line 50 pts
Checking the number a week later and it is busy or disconnected 5000 pts
Example:
Ring
Me: Yes?
Them: Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning and we're in your area and would like to know it you are interested?
Me: Sure.
Them: Well, we are currently offering [...] depending on the size of the rooms.
Me: Well, how much for the whole house?
[15 bonus pts.] Them: Let me transfer you to <???>
Them: Sir?
Me: Yes? [25 pts/min!]
Them: How large is your house?
Me: Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
Them: [...] Well, that would be about $xxx
[stupid ?] Me: It won't hurt the floor, will it?
Them: Oh, no! We use a [this usually takes some time!] and is completely safe.
[stupid ?] Me: Even with my pets?
Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
Me: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
Them: Yes, and we do that with [...]
[repeat!] Me: But the original offer was for $39.95, does that include treating for pets?
Them: [...]
[subject change] Me: Well, it is kind of dirty. The guys were over for the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
Them: Yes.
Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasn't that a great play?
Them: Well, back to your house...
Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
Them: [...]
[subject change] Me: Do you clean furniture, too? Those guys spilled some beer. Have you smelled old beer on furniture before? But what a game, eh?! I couldn't believe that they couldn't move the ball in the second quarter...
[angry???] Them: Ahem. Would you like us to come out?
Me: Well, when could you come out?
Them: How about next week?
Me: Hmmm. Morning or afternoon?
Them: Either would be fine.
Me: Do you have anything the week after?
Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?
[Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]
Me: Well, I don't think it matters, since all I have are hardwood floors here!
Them: Dammit! Yes! 250 points!
click
The line in front of the Butcher shop in Warsaw is long, indeed, and the people grow weary, ever more weary, of the wait. Eventually an official comes out and announces "We are very low on meat; all Jews must leave the line." So the Jews in the line quit the queue and head for home, empty-handed.
After some more of a wait the same official reappears and announces, "We are even lower on meat that we thought. All non-party members must leave the line." So all the non-card-carrying members standing in line begin heading for home, equally empty-handed.
After some more time the official appears to declare "All Serbs and Croats must leave the line; we haven't enough meat for you." Disappointed, they leave the line and wander off.
Well, you guessed it: a bit later the same official appears and informs the remaining people "Unfortunately we have run out of meat entirely - you may as well all go home," and disappears back into the store.
"Isn't that just the way it always is," mutters one old man as he departs. "Those damn Jews get all the breaks!"
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on!
Part I: After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
Part II: The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a six-dollar word for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first monk breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27.
I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object to spaghetti. POB 77.
Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup, Stanley Cup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. POB 58.
Nice Jewish accountant, 31. Looking for a "10", 25-30, 5-5'6", 95-105 lb., 36-24-36, area code 212, 718, or 201. I've got your number. POB 109.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours. POB 72.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the blech. Heimishe balabusta, 39, will cook you such a tzimmes. Hurry, it's getting cold. POB 96.
Eh, shalom aleichem. So maybe you want to meet me, all right, you probably don't. Nu, so if you change your mind, maybe epess you'll write me, but if not, it's OK, I understand. My name is Shaya Bochur. POB 55.
Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah. Seeking wife. POB 41.
Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.
Looking for a great husband? "Mr. Dependable," always there for you. A faithful companion at all times. Your salvation in any emergency. No Saturday or Holiday calls, please. POB 92.
Agnostic dyslexic insomniac male, seeks similar female to stay up all night to discuss whether or not there really is a DOG. POB 83.
Can't meet women? Want to meet women? Ready to meet women? Join Amit Women. POB 60.
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.
Single, attractive, successful, self-absorbed woman, 34, seeks to save money by spending yours. POB 27.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop, looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. POB 789.
You're probably wondering why an accomplished PhD, LLB, MBA, DDS, MD, and Rhodes Scholar like me isn't married yet. I'm a meeskite. POB 766.
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 843.
What's a menorah without it's shammes? Available Jewish woman, 37, seeks man to light her fire. POB 566.
Worried about in-laws meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
Classy carrot seeking sugar daddy to make tzimmes together. Prunes need not apply. POB 66.
I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding? POB 68.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.
Jewish man, watches TV on Friday night with time clock, eats fish at non-kosher restaurants, doesn't wear yarmulke at work. Modern Orthodox. POB 98.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.
Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos, yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mench. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.
SFDJMBA -- Do I have to spell out everything for you? POB 333.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
BT with TB seeks FFB RN with RX of TLC. Initially I'm a nice guy. POB 676.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince to whom you can open your heart. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.
I get too hungry for Diva at 8. I love The Phantom and never come late. Won't dish the dirt 'cause it's housework I hate. That's why the lady is a JAP. POB 456.
All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655.
"The moment a man begins to talk about technique that's proof that he is fresh out of ideas." -- Raymond Chandler, U.S. author
When they took off all of Tammy Faye Bakker's makeup, they found Jimmy Hoffa.
Saying Windows 95 is equal to Macintosh is like finding a potato that looks like Jesus and believing you've witnessed the second coming. -- Guy Kawasaki
Every time I sit at my desk, I look at my dictionary, a Webster's Second Unabridged with nine million words in it and think: All the words I need are in there; they're just in the wrong order. -- Fran Lebowitz
Talent is nothing but long patience. -- Gustave Flaubert
How many lightbulb jokes does it take to change the subject?
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi".
Mike Tyson was quarantined after being diagnosed with "Mad Cow Disease." After being disqualified from his boxing match for biting off a chunk of Evander Holyfield's ear, Tyson went on a rampage through the streets of Las Vegas trying to devour people. In a high-pitched, whinny voice Tyson was screaming, "I'm having a Las Vegas all-you-can-eat buffet." He was foaming at the mouth and his eyes were bulging. Fortunately the police were able to fire half a dozen tranquilizer darts into him, after he which he finally passed out. Holyfield said that after losing his ear in the fight, he had this strange desire to take up impressionistic painting.
| Next round | Previous round | Return to Bad Humor homepage |