Round 31

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  1. women, what if you had a Penis for a day
  2. Personal Ads
  3. New TV set
  4. More on cloning
  5. God is an engineer
  6. Concise creative writing
  7. McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac
  8. Restitution
  9. Soft drinks
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Round 31

1) Subject: women, what if you had a Penis for a day

A survey asked women what they would do if they woke up and had a penis for the day. These responses were taken from the survey:

I would walk around and prod him all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'd be there prodding him with it.

I would write my name in the snow.

I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say "Where is my raise?

I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him & tell him to roll over & try something new.

I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.

I would grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.

I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.

I would measure it both ways.

I would pee off of a tall building.

I would get racked to see if it really hurts.

I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.

I would see what a woman felt like on the other end.

I would love it, and squeeze it and play with it all day.

Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything.

I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.

Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best.

Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.

See how many donuts I could carry with it.

Check out my boyfriend's gag reflex.

2) Subject: Personal Ads

This, my friends, is the sine non qua of personal ads. It reads, in its entirety:

Fat, bald woman in her thirties with no sense of humor looking to meet the perfect man. NYR Box xxxxx

If you're wondering where it came from, the source is the October 9 1997 issue of the NEW YORK REVIEW OF BOOKS.


(though one could ponder on what her idea of perfect might be...)

3) Subject: New TV set

Q: Have you heard about the new TV set that fixes itself?

A: It's a Christian Science monitor.

4) Subject: More on cloning

Q: Is it possible to make a clone of Kate Moss and then attach the two together to make a regular-sized person?

A: Sure, she'd have two heads, but that would still be way more normal.

5) Subject: God is an engineer

Apparrently there were three engineers arguing and the first one, a mechanical engineer claimed that god was a mechanical engineer. It was obvious he claimed because of the design of the human body i.e. all the bones and muscles serving such exquisitely designed purposes.

The second engineer said no, no, no, he was an electrical engineer as evidenced by the nervous system and its elaborate system of electrical messages sent over a complex infrastructure.

The third disputed the others: God had to be a civil engineer. Who else would would put a recreational area right in the middle of a waste disposal system.

6) Subject: Concise creative writing

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

- religion - royalty - sex - mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

7) Subject: "McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac"

10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan"

9. Condom, condiment - what's the damn difference?

8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe"

7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake

6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true

5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal"

4. So what-a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway

3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"

2. Drive-thru speaker broken - "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device"

1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.

8) Subject: Restitution

Here is a news bulletin from The Chronicle of Higher Education.

A retired Portland State University library employee admitted last week that she had embezzled more than $221,000 from the institution. But her lawyer asked a judge for leniency because his client had paid it all back - by losing the money in video-poker machines that provide revenue to the Oregon government.

9) Subject: Soft drinks

An airplane with a shipment of Pepsi was flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction and went down in the jungle. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane.

They found the wreckage, but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief goes, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi". Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you, ... you know, ... eat their ... 'things'? "

The chief says, "No."

No?" asked the rescuers.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS" go better with Coke.

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