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GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times
GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
The New Haven Connecticut Register
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
Newsday
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Open door, get out quickly and tell the taxi driver you have left
his tip in the back seat.
Top 10 reasons computers must be male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny ... until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
Top 10 reasons software compilers must be female
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing."
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild.
If not, consider this:
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog
fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice
of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial
advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter
anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
Q: What did Marv Albert do when NBC gave him his pink slip?
A: He put it on!!
"Can I draw you a beer Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."
"How's a beer sound Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."
"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."
"What would you say to a nice beer Normie?"
"Going Down?"
"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach, and they're demanding
beer."
"What'll it be Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."
"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever
comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"What'd you say Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."
"What would you say to a beer Norm?"
"Hi ya, sailor. New in town?"
(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"All right, but stop me at one ... make that one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"How's about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about
it!"
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."
"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
Two Irish nuns were on their way to a new convent in the US. On the plane ride over, one nun told that other that she had heard that Americans eat dogs. The other nun was rather aghast, but she said, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do..."
After getting settled, the more adventurous nun said to the other that they should go try one of those dogs. So they they set off and found a local hot DOG stand
Each nun ordered one and the took their "dogs" to the park to eat under the trees.
Finally one nun became brave and opened up the wrapping on hers.
She looked at it and her face turned bright red. After what seemed like an hour, she finally looked at the other nun and said,
"So what part of the dog did you get?"
1. You have prepared a proposal for the regional director of purchasing for your largest customer. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your sales to his company by 200%. In the middle of your proposal, this customer leans over to look at your report and spits in your coffee. You...
A. Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
B. Ask to have him checked for any communicable diseases.
C. Take a leak in his "Out" basket.
2. You are having lunch with a prospective customer talking about what could be your biggest sale of the year. During the conversation, a blond walks into the restaurant. She is so stunning that you draw your companion's attention to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in your motel. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as your client's daughter. Your next move is to...
A. Ask for her hand in marriage.
B. Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
C. Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for the best.
3. You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January. You tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You...
A. Ask what position she played.
B. Ask if she's still working the streets.
C. Pretend you're suffering from amnesia and don't even remember your own
name.
4. You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a no-no, you...
A. Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion,
bury your forefinger in your nostril right up
to the 3rd joint.
B. Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
C. Drop your napkin on the floor and, when you bend over to pick it up,
blow your nose on your sock.
5. You are on your way to see you best account when your zipper breaks and you discover that you forgot to put on your underwear that morning. You decide to...
A. Call on the customer's secretary instead.
B. Explain you were just trolling for boys.
C. Buy a baggy raincoat and head for the school playground.
6. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch reacts, creating severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in the most convincing manner, causing three water tumblers to shatter and a secretary to pass out. What you should do next is...
A. Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
B. Point out their Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
C. Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
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