Round 18

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  1. Review of Lady Chatterley's Lover
  2. Klingon Software Development
  3. liz taylor has plastic surgery
  4. Personal ads
  5. Tongue of Frog
  6. what it is
  7. Dr. Suess' lesser known books
  8. The corporate zodiac
  9. just kidding
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Round 18

1) Review of Lady Chatterley's Lover

Subject: A different point of view

Here is a tongue-in-cheek review of Lady Chatterley's Lover as it appeared in Field and Stream, November 1959:

"Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been reissued by Grove Press, and this fictional account of the day-by-day life of an English gamekeeper is still of considerable interest to outdoor-minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous materials in order to discover and savor these sidelights on the management of a Midlands shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion this book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's Practical Gamekeeping."

2) Subject: Klingon Software Development

Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development team:

10) "This code is crap! You have no honor!"

9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"

8) "By filing this bug report you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"

7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!"

6) "Our competitors are without honor!"

5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!"

4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

3) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"

2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"

And the number one thing most likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development team is:

1) "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

3) Subject: liz taylor has plastic surgery

With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation!

Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 "get well soon" cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor. "No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down", she says. "Ah" says the doc, "this card is from my wife and I, wishing you a speedy recovery." "How nice", says Liz, "Thank you - what a nice thought."

"The second card is from old Madge, the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations - she is to be trusted." "What a beautiful thought, from such a humble person - I'm really touched", says Liz.

"But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz.

"Oh", says the doctor, "that's from Evander Holyfield - thanking you for his new ears!"

4) Subject: Personal ads

* Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums. Baby, you are my Tijuana Taxi.

* Me -- trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you-choking on my odor, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?

* Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone else.

* Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.

* I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.

* There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them.

* Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.

* Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad you were that they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the beach looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month imagining him taking you in every possible way, masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he would reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned 18.

* Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy and stinky, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks.

5) Subject: Tongue of Frog

It's summer, it's hot, it's time to post the legendary Taiwanese English text of TOUNGE OF FROG. The following is the actual text on the package of the novelty toy TOUNGE OF FROG, purchased near the Florida Turnpike in 1984 for $1.69.

Reading the text of TOUNGE OF FROG aloud is one of the sacred rituals of the True Church of the Great Green Frog.

All typos verbatim.


If it is thrown with full of your strenght, it will spit out the tounge, which is like the genuine one from the frog.


* A product has the stickness and is just like a soft rubber band with high contractility. It can be played to stick the remote objects.

* Inspite of it is sticky, it is never like the chewing guns which is glued tightly and cannot be separated.

* If the stickness is not good enough, it can be washed by soap. After it is dried, it cab be used continously many times.

*The packing paper has printed the bug picture, which can be cut as per the black frame and placed on the table; then you can stick the picture with your tounge of frog.

The key point for throwing far away is the same as the throwing of fish rod, i.e. to throw out slowly with full of your strength. Separate it with two hands, then release one hand, throw it with full of your strength.

No matter what you make a round ball, it will recover the original shape.


* Never throw out the other person's head.

* Keep away from fire.

* Inspite of it is non-toxic, it cannot be eaten.

* Never pull out tounge of frog hard, as it might be separated.

* Its content has the oil, so if it touches on cloth, precious object or wall, the stains will remain if you don't care about it.

* Never put on surface of any object, shall keep in polybag.

6) Subject: what it is

The day care teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this ?"

"A horsy." one child answered.

"And this ?" the teacher asked the class.

"A piggy." replied another youngster.

"And now this one ?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack. There was complete and total silence.

"Come on now children." she coaxed, "I'll give you a lil' hint. What does your Mommie call your Daddie when he hugs and kisses her a lot ?"

"I know ! I know !!!" said the one little girl. "A horny bastard."

7) Subject: Dr. Suess' lesser known books


  1. The Cat in the Blender
  2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
  3. Fox in Detox
  4. Who Shat in the Hat?
  5. Horton Feels a Ho
  6. The Lemon Fresh Lorax
  7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
  8. Your Colon Can Moo, Can You?
  9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
  10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
  11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
  12. Are You My Proctologist?
  13. Yentl the Lentil
  14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
  15. Aunts in My Pants
  16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
  17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
  18. The Grinch's Ten Inches

8) Subject: The corporate zodiac

What sign are you?

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.

Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out.

You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel."

The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!

Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.


9) Subject: just kidding

At the end of a job interview, the human resources director asked the new MBA graduate what salary he would expect if he were hired.

The candidate responded confidently, "In the neighborhood of $100,000, depending on the benefits package."

The HR director replied, "What would you say to a benefits package of five paid weeks of vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical & dental, a retirement fund with a 50% company match, and a company car -- say, a '97 red convertible BMW."

The grad sat up, mouth agape, and said, "Are you kidding?"

"Of course," the HR director replied. "But you started it!"

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