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Don't give up your day job but....
Call 1-800-672-2754 after the general message, there is a long silence, (20 seconds maybe) then
select option 1,
listen
select option 2,
then select option 2 again,
listen!
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my god! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to piss."
I sit here. I see before me your resume page. I see the "objective" line. It has a blink tag. A BLINK tag.
Have I not taught you that blink tags are the creation of the Dark Side of the WebForce? Did I neglect to teach you this?
Ah, but you are headstrong, and must be noticed at any cost... Beware the Dark Side, young Jediwebber. It will entice you to be be annoying in order to be noticed. Do not betray the founding principle of the Jediwebbers - that you it must be your webpage content that causes people to look at your webpage. Tricking them into looking at it or drawing their attention with annoying blink tags and such is the Dark Side. Once you start down that path, you will be continually drawn into it, and soon you will be posting pages that are all attention grabbers and no content. People will quickly gawk and then leave in disgust, without ever seeing your message.
Turn away before it is too late, young Jediwebber. But alas, I fear it already is, and you have already turned to the Dark Side.
Courtesy of Al Kamen, Washington Post Staff Writer
Beleaguered voters seem confused and often outraged at the way Washington conducts business. That's because people on the outside don't understand how the game is played. Floating around the Hill, apparently for use as a training tool for new staff members, is a one-page guide entitled "Washington Rules" giving the basic rules that are key to effective play in Congress and throughout the government:
IF IT'S WORTH FIGHTING FOR, IT'S WORTH FIGHTING DIRTY FOR.
DON'T LIE, CHEAT OR STEAL UNNECESSARILY.
THERE IS ALWAYS ONE MORE SON OF A BITCH THAN YOU COUNTED ON.
AN HONEST ANSWER CAN GET YOU INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE.
THE FACTS, ALTHOUGH INTERESTING, ARE IRRELEVANT.
CHICKEN LITTLE ONLY HAS TO BE RIGHT ONCE.
"NO" IS ONLY AN INTERIM RESPONSE.
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, DESTROY ALL EVIDENCE THAT YOU EVER TRIED.
THE TRUTH IS A VARIABLE.
A PORCUPINE WITH HIS QUILLS DOWN IS JUST ANOTHER FAT RODENT.
YOU CAN AGREE WITH ANY CONCEPT OR NOTIONAL FUTURE OPTION, IN PRINCIPLE, BUT FIGHT IMPLEMENTATION EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.
A PROMISE IS NOT A GUARANTEE.
IF YOU CAN'T COUNTER THE ARGUMENT, LEAVE THE MEETING.
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your letter of April 1. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely yours,
addendum:
Dust-covered luxury SUV, speed no slower than 80 mph, cell phone in one hand, cigarette in the other hand, cobwebs on the turn signal lever: Detroit suburban driver.
Subject: American management
Once upon a time an American Corporation and a Japanese Corporation decided to have a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day both teams felt as ready as they could be.
The Japanese rowing team won by a mile!
Afterwards, the American rowing team became very discouraged by the loss, and morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A continuous "Measurable Improvement Team" was formed to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusions:
The problem was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering whereas the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
The Corporate steering committee then decided to hire a consulting firm to perform a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm provided its conclusions:
Too many people were steering and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again, the team was reorganized to reduce management structure. It was reorganized into four steering managers, three area managers, one staff steering manager, and a new performance reward system for the person rowing the boat to provide more incentive to work harder. Corporate management dictated "we must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it."
The Japanese rowing team won by two miles!
Humiliated, the American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all the paddles, canceled all capital investments for new equipment, and halted all development towards a new canoe design.
They gave a 'high performance' award to the consulting firm and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
Subject: Re: emoticons
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass icons"?
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) and ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_?_) a dumb ass
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet and the thief was arrested.
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
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