Round 20

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  1. MIR-Niss
  2. No returns
  3. Dominick's
  4. Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System
  5. A quarrel
  7. Mr. E-Mail does the Macarena.
  8. How's that again?
  9. Arthritis
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Round 20

1) Subject: MIR-Niss

After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy. In terse statements at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday: We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nations team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident. The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only...


2) Subject: No returns

A man was driving home late one afternoon and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!

3) Subject: Dominick's

There is a big grocery store chain in the Chicago area called Dominick's. It was originally called Dominick's & Big Arty's, because it was started by two brothers named Dominick and Arty, who was rather big.

Well, early on in the partnership, Big Arty and Dominick had a big falling out which resulted in Dominick buying Big Arty out and Big Arty moving to California.

Well, Dominick prospered to the point where he was very wealthy and, like many wealthy men, he decided that he wanted to be free to do as he pleased. He knew, however, that if he divorced his wife, she would get half of everything he had, so he decided to have her bumped off. Well, he couldn't think of anybody better suited to the task than his brother Big Arty, so one night he called up Big Arty and asked him if he would do the job for $100,000. Big Arty replied, "Dominick, I don't want money, I just would like to be part of the business again. Dominick said, "Well, I want to pay you something just to make it contractually okay." Big Arty replied, "OK, give me a dollar for the job."

So they set it all up. One night Dominick had a good alibi and was away from the house. Big Arty flew in from California and went over to Dominick's house. He quietly slipped into the house because Dominick had given him the alarm code. Once inside, he ran into the butler. Well, Big Arty was a big strong guy, he grabbed the butler and choked him until he was dead. He started up the stairs where he encountered the maid. Big Arty grabbed her and choked her to death. He finally made it upstairs, found Dominick's wife, grabbed her and choked her to death also.

Well a neighbor had heard the commotion and called the police. They arrived just as Arty was leaving the house and arrested him.

The headlines in the paper the next day were "Big Arty chokes three for a dollar at Dominick's."

4) Subject: Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

  1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
  2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
  3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight-seeing extravaganza.
  4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock ... One on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
  5. ummmmmm ... Sorry ... (silence)
  6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff) ... uhhhhh ...we have to go back ...we ... we ... uhhhhhh ... forgot something ...
  7. I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (Ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)
  8. Fasten your seatbelt. (Same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car.)
  9. This is your Captain speaking... these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to... so you'll have to give me some leeway...
  10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the inflight movie.
  11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and... oh crap...
  12. Don't worry that one is always on E...
  13. Get the parachutes ready...
  14. Drinks are on me or I'll have what the Captain's having...
  15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

5) Subject: A quarrel

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.

The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription:

"Here lies my wife.....cold as ever"

Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription:

"Here lies my husband.....stiff at last"


Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind."

7) Subject: Mr. E-Mail does the Macarena.

8) Subject: How's that again?

PROFESSOR: Although in modern English the double negative is usually taken to mean an affirmative, in many linguistic contexts the double negative is an intensified negative, as the double affirmative is always an intensified affirmative. There is no known case of a double affirmative being used as a negative.

STUDENT: Yeah, right.

9) Subject: Arthritis

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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