Round 26

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  1. Bill Clinton - all the way from France
  2. Anagrams of the rich and famous
  4. Picture yourself near a stream.
  5. From Joan Adams: Why is divorce so very, very expensive??
  7. From Joan Adams: Oscar Wilde when applying to Oxford...
  8. From Paul Frankenstein: Popular European Languages
  9. Mistaken identity
  10. Apple-Microsoft- oops
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Round 26

1) Subject: Bill Clinton - all the way from France

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "TRAGEDY".
One little boy stands up and offers. "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street an a car came along and killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY."
"No." Clinton says. "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children dropped off a cliff, killing everyone involved that would be a TRAGEDY."
"I'm afraid not" explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
Clinton asks, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of TRAGEDY?"
Finally a boy in the back of the room puts up his hand and says, "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up from a bomb, that would be a TRAGEDY."
"Wonderful!" exclaims Bill. "And why would that be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy "it would not be an ACCIDENT and it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS."

2) Subject: Anagrams of the rich and famous

Tony Blair PM - I'm Tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Open University - Intrusive Neophyte
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders - Needs a rest
Home and Away - Aha, yawn mode
Eldorado - Real dodo
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot
Actors - Scrota
Robert DeNiro - Error on bidet
Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson - Big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan - Large fat noise
Chris Rea - Rich arse
Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl - Real dim, man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness
An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor - Computerises porn

and finally...

Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews


The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

4) Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop! ... back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now ... feeling better?

5) From: Joan Adams

Q: Why is divorce so very, very expensive??

A: Because it is so, so worth it.


  1. Cover your stump before you hump
  2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
  3. Don't be silly, protect your Willie
  4. When in doubt shroud your spout
  5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
  6. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
  7. If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
  8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
  9. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
  10. If you slip between her thighs, condomize
  11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
  12. If you go into heat, package your meat
  13. While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
  14. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
  15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
  16. Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
  17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
  18. The right selection, is to protect your erection
  19. Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
  20. A crank with armor, will never harm her
  21. If you really love her, wear a cover
  22. Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
  23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
  24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
  25. No glove, no love
  26. If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
  27. Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
  28. No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
  29. Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
  30. Avoid a frown, contain your clown
  31. Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
  32. Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
  33. Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
  34. The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
  35. Cloak the joker before you poke her
  36. Encase that torch before you paint her porch
  37. Cape your throbber before you bob her
  38. After detection sheath your erection
  39. Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
  40. Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
  41. Cover that lumber before you pump her
  42. Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
  43. She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
  44. House your noodle then release your strudel
  45. Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
  46. Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
  47. Cage that snake then shake and bake
  48. Cover your peter it will be much neater
  49. Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
  50. It's always funky to cage your monkey

7) From Joan Adams

Oscar Wilde when applying to Oxford answered the question "What is your aim in life?" with "Success, fame or even notoriety."

The Picture of Dorian Gray - 1891:

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

"A man can not be too careful in the choice of enemies."

"The only difference between a caprice and a lifelong passion is that the caprice lasts a little longer."

"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them."

"Murder is always a mistake. . . . One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner."

"All art is quite useless."

"There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Book are well written, or badly written. That is all."

Lady Windermere's Fan - 1892:

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

"Experience is the name everbody gives to their mistakes."

"I can resist everything but temptation."

The Importance of Being Earnest - 1895:

"Really, if the lower orders don't set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them?"

"Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die."

An Ideal Husband - 1895:

"When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers."

"Nothing ages like happiness."

"If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out."

"Anyone can make history. Only a great man can write it."

Other comments

Somebody - was it Burke? - called journalism the fourth estate. That was true at the time, no doubt. But at the present moment it really is the only estate. It has eaten up the other three.

8) Subject: Popular European Languages

From: Paul Frankenstein

Spanish -- Everything you say makes you sound hungry.

Russian -- There are 45 different ways to say, "Comrade, pass me the Vodka or I gonna shoot you."

French - Every French sentence carries the implicit connotation that you want to have sex with or 'do' the person you are talking to.

German - The German word for "hello" is "Echsteinlefahrtengruber". The German translation for "Hey Hans, what do you say, tomorrow morning we climb into our tanks and roll over Poland?" is "Hans, Poland, ja?"

9) Subject: Mistaken identity

The time has come for St. Peter's annual vacation and Jesus volunteers to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates registration desk.
"It's no big deal," St. Peter explains. "Sit at the desk and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then send them on to housekeeping to pick up their wings."
On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of Him.
"I'm a simple carpenter," says the man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way and was unlike anyone else in the world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."
By this time, Jesus is standing with His arms outstretched. There are tears in his eyes and He embraces the old man. "Father," He cries out, "it's been so long!"
The old man squints, stares for moment, and says, "Pinocchio?"

10) Subject: Apple-Microsoft- oops

Bill Gates, to his broker:

"You spent my $150 million on WHAT?!? I said SNAPPLE!!!"

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