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Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students
if anyone can give him an example of a "TRAGEDY".
One little boy stands up and offers. "If my best friend who lives
next door was playing in the street an a car came along and killed him,
that would be a TRAGEDY."
"No." Clinton says. "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children dropped
off a cliff, killing everyone involved that would be a TRAGEDY."
"I'm afraid not" explains Clinton. "That is what we would
call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
Clinton asks, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example
of TRAGEDY?"
Finally a boy in the back of the room puts up his hand and says, "If
an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up from a bomb,
that would be a TRAGEDY."
"Wonderful!" exclaims Bill. "And why would that be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy "it would not be an ACCIDENT and it
certainly would be no GREAT LOSS."
Tony Blair PM - I'm Tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Open University - Intrusive Neophyte
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders - Needs a rest
Home and Away - Aha, yawn mode
Eldorado - Real dodo
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot
Actors - Scrota
Robert DeNiro - Error on bidet
Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson - Big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan - Large fat noise
Chris Rea - Rich arse
Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl - Real dim, man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases
sexiness
An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor - Computerises porn
and finally...
Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is
interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty
looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness,
but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her
chest.
FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which
makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE:
A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing
hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to
each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER:
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to
how unattractive your date is.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop! ... back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now ... feeling better?
Q: Why is divorce so very, very expensive??
A: Because it is so, so worth it.
Oscar Wilde when applying to Oxford answered the question "What is your aim in life?" with "Success, fame or even notoriety."
"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
"A man can not be too careful in the choice of enemies."
"The only difference between a caprice and a lifelong passion is that the caprice lasts a little longer."
"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them."
"Murder is always a mistake. . . . One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner."
"All art is quite useless."
"There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Book are well written, or badly written. That is all."
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
"Experience is the name everbody gives to their mistakes."
"I can resist everything but temptation."
"Really, if the lower orders don't set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them?"
"Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die."
"When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers."
"Nothing ages like happiness."
"If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out."
"Anyone can make history. Only a great man can write it."
Other comments
Somebody - was it Burke? - called journalism the fourth estate. That was true at the time, no doubt. But at the present moment it really is the only estate. It has eaten up the other three.
From: Paul Frankenstein
Spanish -- Everything you say makes you sound hungry.
Russian -- There are 45 different ways to say, "Comrade, pass me the Vodka or I gonna shoot you."
French - Every French sentence carries the implicit connotation that you want to have sex with or 'do' the person you are talking to.
German - The German word for "hello" is "Echsteinlefahrtengruber". The German translation for "Hey Hans, what do you say, tomorrow morning we climb into our tanks and roll over Poland?" is "Hans, Poland, ja?"
The time has come for St. Peter's annual vacation and Jesus volunteers
to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates registration desk.
"It's no big deal," St. Peter explains. "Sit at the desk
and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then send them on to
housekeeping to pick up their wings."
On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in
front of Him.
"I'm a simple carpenter," says the man. "And once I had
a son. He was born in a very special way and was unlike anyone else in
the world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes
in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit
lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."
By this time, Jesus is standing with His arms outstretched. There are tears
in his eyes and He embraces the old man. "Father," He cries out,
"it's been so long!"
The old man squints, stares for moment, and says, "Pinocchio?"
Bill Gates, to his broker:
"You spent my $150 million on WHAT?!? I said SNAPPLE!!!"
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