Round 27

1. A Jury of his Peers
2. What what why
3. Only in America
4. Quotes continue
5. Murder by golf
6. Penis Length Survey
7. How to sing the blues
8. YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN
9. a science experiment - dihydrogen monoxide
10. Why do guys like to name their penis?

Round 27

1) Subject: A Jury of his Peers

The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting of humorous excerpts from court transcripts. The following appeared a few weeks ago:

In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his cows.

The chief Crown witness, the hired man, testified that he saw his boss place a milk stool behind the cow, then stand on the stool and take liberties with the cow. Moments later, the witness said, the cow kicked over the stool and the farmer fell to the floor.

Upon hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and exclaimed, "They'll do that every time!"

2) What what why

Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. Most men will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q.Why is divorce so, so expensive?
A. Because it is so so worth it.

3) Subject: Only in America

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the insurance company then had the man him arrested . . . for arson.

4) Quotes continue

All generalizations are false. -- Richard@peaks

Honk if you love peace and quiet. -- Richard@peaks

Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words. -- Mark Twain

I don't enjoy writing and I certainly would not do it for a living. Some people do, but some people enjoy flagellation. -- Prince Philip

5) Subject: Murder by golf

A cop, responding to a call on a domestic dispute, comes upon the wife lying dead on the kitchen floor, and her husband standing nearby with a 7-iron in his hands. After being disarmed, the man told the policeman, "I don't know what happened. We started arguing as usual, and before we knew it we were hitting each other. She started throwing dishes and utensils at me, and I must have really gone berserk, because the next thing I remember is swinging at her with this golf club."

"How many times did you hit her?" asked the cop.

"I don't know", replied the man, "maybe 8 or 9 times."

"What's your handicap?" asked the cop.

"Around 14." said the man.

Said the cop, "Well, the most I can put you down for is a 7."

6) Subject: Penis Length Survey

Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so the following foolproof test has been devised.

1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).
2. Grasp your 'thing' in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is 1234567890-+)
3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your 'thing' on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.

Please post your results to net.general and I'll summarize to everyone on the net by personal mail.

Cautions:

1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
2. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.
3. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.

Remember, Larry Bud Melman is not an attorney.

Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders:

Test Results - Diagnosis

1 - You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 - You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

12wgui,l=]\ Seek immediate medical care.

7) Subject: How to sing the blues

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman -- with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of, for example: Got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choices.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation are Greyhound busses or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get 'da' chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:

a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed

Bad places for the Blues

a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekends in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:

a. your first name is a southern state - like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:

a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.

Other blues beverages are:

a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
d. one bourbon, one scotch and one beer

Blues beverages are NOT:

a. Any mixed drink
b. Any kosher wine for Passover
c. YooHoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

17. Some Blues Names for Men

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B. Other Blues Names (Mix and Match Starter Kit)

a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

8) Subject: YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN

• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
• You speed walk in your sleep.
• You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
• Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• Cocaine is a downer.
• All your kids are named "Joe".
• You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You buy milk by the barrel.
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
• You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
• You get drunk just so you can sober up.
• You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You don't get mad, you get steamed.
• Your three favorite things in life are; coffee before ,... , coffee after.
• Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

9) Subject: a science experiment - dihydrogen monoxide

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" The conclusion is obvious.

10) Subject: boy stories

Question: Why do guys like to name their penis?

Answer: Because they don't want a stranger making 90% of their decisions.