Round 27

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  1. A Jury of his Peers
  2. What what why
  3. Only in America
  4. Quotes continue
  5. Murder by golf
  6. Penis Length Survey
  7. How to sing the blues
  9. a science experiment - dihydrogen monoxide
  10. Why do guys like to name their penis?
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Round 27

1) Subject: A Jury of his Peers

The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting of humorous excerpts from court transcripts. The following appeared a few weeks ago:

In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his cows.

The chief Crown witness, the hired man, testified that he saw his boss place a milk stool behind the cow, then stand on the stool and take liberties with the cow. Moments later, the witness said, the cow kicked over the stool and the farmer fell to the floor.

Upon hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and exclaimed, "They'll do that every time!"

2) What what why

Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. Most men will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q.Why is divorce so, so expensive?
A. Because it is so so worth it.

3) Subject: Only in America

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the insurance company then had the man him arrested . . . for arson.

4) Quotes continue

All generalizations are false. -- Richard@peaks

Honk if you love peace and quiet. -- Richard@peaks

Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words. -- Mark Twain

I don't enjoy writing and I certainly would not do it for a living. Some people do, but some people enjoy flagellation. -- Prince Philip

5) Subject: Murder by golf

A cop, responding to a call on a domestic dispute, comes upon the wife lying dead on the kitchen floor, and her husband standing nearby with a 7-iron in his hands. After being disarmed, the man told the policeman, "I don't know what happened. We started arguing as usual, and before we knew it we were hitting each other. She started throwing dishes and utensils at me, and I must have really gone berserk, because the next thing I remember is swinging at her with this golf club."

"How many times did you hit her?" asked the cop.

"I don't know", replied the man, "maybe 8 or 9 times."

"What's your handicap?" asked the cop.

"Around 14." said the man.

Said the cop, "Well, the most I can put you down for is a 7."

6) Subject: Penis Length Survey

Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so the following foolproof test has been devised.

  1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).
  2. Grasp your 'thing' in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is 1234567890-+)
  3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your 'thing' on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.

Please post your results to net.general and I'll summarize to everyone on the net by personal mail.


  1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
  2. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.
  3. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.

Remember, Larry Bud Melman is not an attorney.

Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders:

Test Results - Diagnosis

1 - You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 - You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

12wgui,l=]\ Seek immediate medical care.

7) Subject: How to sing the blues

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman -- with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of, for example: Got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choices.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation are Greyhound busses or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get 'da' chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:

Bad places for the Blues

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

17. Some Blues Names for Men

17B. Other Blues Names (Mix and Match Starter Kit)


9) Subject: a science experiment - dihydrogen monoxide

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

  1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
  2. it is a major component in acid rain
  3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
  4. accidental inhalation can kill you
  5. it contributes to erosion
  6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
  7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" The conclusion is obvious.

10) Subject: boy stories

Question: Why do guys like to name their penis?

Answer: Because they don't want a stranger making 90% of their decisions.

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