Round 28

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  1. computers are female
  2. Top 20 rejected children's books
  3. some really bad excuses.....
  5. It's not the meat
  6. Baaaston
  7. Resume errors
  8. Hong Kong movie subtitles
  9. most embarrassing moments
  10. St. Peter stories
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Round 28

1) Subject: computers are female

Six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as 'If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you.'

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

2) Subject: Top 20 rejected children's books

  1. Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
  2. The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book
  3. The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
  4. Alice in WonderBraLand
  5. The Legend of Three-Card Monte
  6. 40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
  7. The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would Go Away
  8. Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
  9. Where the Wildings Are
  10. The Little Big Book of Necrophilia
  11. The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
  12. Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
  13. The Crack House at Pooh Corner
  14. The Dummy's Guide to Crying
  15. When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
  16. Where's Waldo's Weewee?
  17. The Dyslexic's Big Anagram Book
  18. Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
  19. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
  20. Furious George Delivers the Mail

3) Subject: some really bad excuses.....

Never know what to say when someone you don't want to go out with asks you out? Here's some great excuses you can use.

  1. I have to floss my cat.
  2. I've dedicated my life to linguini.
  3. I want to spend more time with my blender.
  4. The President said he might drop in.
  5. The man on television told me to say tuned.
  6. I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
  7. I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
  8. It's my parakeet's bowling night.
  9. It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
  10. I'm building a pig from a kit.
  11. I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
  12. I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
  13. There's a disturbance in the Force.
  14. I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
  15. I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
  16. I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
  17. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
  18. I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
  19. I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
  20. My crayons all melted together.
  21. I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
  22. I'm in training to be a household pest.
  23. I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
  24. My patent is pending.
  25. I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
  26. I'm sandblasting my oven.
  27. I'm worried about my vertical hold.
  28. I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
  29. I'm being deported.
  30. The grunion are running.
  31. I'll be looking for a parking space.
  32. My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
  33. The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
  34. I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
  35. I have to fluff my shower cap.
  36. I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
  37. I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
  38. I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
  39. My plot to take over the world is thickening.
  40. I have to fulfill my potential.
  41. I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
  42. It's too close to the turn of the century.
  43. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
  44. My subconscious says no.
  45. I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
  46. I left my body in my other clothes.
  47. The last time I went, I never came back.
  48. I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
  49. I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
  50. None of my socks match.
  51. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
  52. I'm having all my plants neutered.
  53. People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
  54. I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
  55. I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
  56. I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
  57. My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
  58. I'm touring China with a wok band.
  59. My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
  60. I never go out on days that end in "Y."
  61. My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
  62. I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
  63. I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
  64. I'm too old/young for that stuff.
  65. I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
  66. I have too much guilt.
  67. There are important world issues that need worrying about.
  68. I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
  69. I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
  70. I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
  71. I feel a song coming on.
  72. I'm trying to be less popular.
  73. My bathroom tiles need grouting.
  74. I have to bleach my hare.
  75. I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
  76. I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
  77. You know how we psychos are.
  78. My favorite commercial is on TV.
  79. I have to study for a blood test.
  80. I'm going to be old someday.
  81. I've been traded to Cincinnati.
  82. I'm observing National Apathy Week.
  83. I have to rotate my crops.
  84. My uncle escaped again.
  85. I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
  86. I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
  87. I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
  88. I have to go to court for kitty littering.
  89. I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
  90. I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
  91. Having fun gives me prickly heat.
  92. I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
  93. I have to jog my memory.
  94. My palm reader advised against it.
  95. My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
  96. I have to stay home and see if I snore.
  97. I prefer to remain an enigma.
  98. I think you want the OTHER [your name].
  99. I have to sit up with a sick ant.
  100. I'm trying to cut down.
  101. I have to wash my goldfish.


"Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." -- Hedy Lamarr

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." -- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." -- Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." -- Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." -- Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." -- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." -- Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." -- Katharine Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -- Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." -- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" -- Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." -- Zsa Gabor

5) Subject: It's not the meat

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their sex lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

6) Subject: Baaaston

The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge named for the institution. MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.

7) Subject: Resume errors

Robert Half International, a worldwide executive-search firm based in Menlo Park, CA., collects and publicizes bloopers like the ones listed below from real resumes - not to make anybody feel stupid but as a cautionary exercise. Here is a sampling of the kind of thing you don't want to send out.

"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never quit a job."

"Marital status: Often. Children: various."

"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 AM every morning. Could not work under those conditions."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

8) Subject: Hong Kong movie subtitles

From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong. Compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex & Zen & a Bullet in the Head, published by Fireside. As cited in Harper's, June1996.

9) Subject: most embarrassing moments

The following are the first three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.

"It was Christmas Eve and I was on my feet all day working behind the cosmetics counter. I decided I would find a place to sit for a moment.

"I spied a tall plastic trash can and plopped down, resting my feet on a cardboard box. I allowed my body to ease into the can. About that time a few customers came to the register to check out, but I couldn't get out of the trash can. I was stuck; I couldn't believe it. The customers came around the counter to help me - some pulled my arms while others held the can. Then my manager came to the counter, wanting to know what was going on. He said he was going to call the fire department, who blasted in with sirens and lights. My hips had created a vacuum, so they had to cut me out of the trash can with a giant pair of scissors."

-Linda Evans; Winter Park, Florida

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving right now, she would be punished.

"To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"

-Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.

"As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

"When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins - and all my friends were standing there!

"My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

"Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

-Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York

10) Subject: St. Peter stories

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man came up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day," he replies. "You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that it sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

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