Round 29

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  1. A Head
  2. A bad one to start the week
  3. the Darwinian theory of brain cells
  4. Some tact required
  5. Sound like someone you know?
  6. Proposed disclaimer for NYPD Blue
  7. Dogs
  8. Consulting work
  9. new std
  10. Actual Announcements taken from Church Bulletins
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Round 29

1) Subject: A Head

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. Doctor comes in and informs dad that his "son" was born without torso, arms or legs! Son is just a "head!" But dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy! The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again! The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild! The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again! The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now, the boy is getting tipsy and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out! The bar is in chaos! The father thanks God! The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then to the right, right through the front door into the street where a truck runs into him and kills him!

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and saids, "How can you be so cold and callous??"

The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

2) Subject: A bad one to start the week

Q: What do you call 100 lesbians with rifles?
A: Militia Ethridge

3) Subject: the Darwinian theory of brain cells

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

4) Subject: Some tact required

A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks: "and get me a whisky you cow".

The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells "and get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking ,returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach: " I've asked you twice for a coffee, you cow, go and get it for me now or I'll give you a slap!"

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard!!".

5) Subject: Sound like someone you know?

A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops. They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.

The instructions on the bottle said:

Wet hair
Apply shampoo

6) Subject: Proposed disclaimer for NYPD Blue

"The preceding program portrayed New York City police officers engaged in the vigorous pursuit of lawbreakers. Viewers are reminded that only fourteen laws are actually enforced in New York City and that nine of them are parking violations."

7) Subject: Dogs

Four men and their wives had gathered at the home of a mutual friend for a barbecue. They were bragging about how smart their dogs were. There was an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker.

The Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk inside the house, took out some paper and a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that this was very clever.

The Accountant said his dog could do better. He said to his dog, "CPA, do your stuff." CPA went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. The dog divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone thought this was pretty good.

The Chemist was not impressed and said to his dog, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure went to the refrigerator, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass and proceeded to pour out exactly eight ounces of milk without spilling a drop. Everyone was very impressed.

At this point the three men all turned to the Government Worker and one of them said, "OK, so what can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped up, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the floor, sexually assaulted the other dogs, claiming he injured his back while doing so, filed a report citing unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and then went home on sick leave!!

8) Subject: Consulting work

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

9) Subject: new std

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van. You know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!" Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van,and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "Wow! Looks like you've got a bad case of Vanaerial disease!"

10) Subject: Actual Announcements taken from Church Bulletins

  1. Don't let worry kill you. The Church can help.
  2. Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and northends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  7. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  9. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
  10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
  14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
  18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
  19. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
  21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  22. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
  23. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  24. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
  25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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